


Beyond Words

by HRH_Selene_R



Series: Life Beyond Words Series [1]
Category: Girls (TV), hbo girls
Genre: AA meeting, Adam's life after the series, Addiction, Angst, Co-workers, Codependency, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, adam moves on, post-series: Girls
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23795263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HRH_Selene_R/pseuds/HRH_Selene_R
Summary: Eight years have come and gone, and it seems that everyone has moved on; Hannah has a new life with a Baby upstate, and even Ray found a bit of happiness in his life, but where does that leave Adam? Still in the same apartment with the same problems. Now, feeling adrift in the stagnation he finds himself in, Adam will try to break old habits and  see if he can grow-up. Something easier said than done, that is until he meets you.This is a bit of a post series/retcon picking up from where Adam’s story left off in Season 6 episode 8 titled “What will we do this time about Adam?”
Relationships: Adam - Relationship, Adam Sackler/Original Female Character(s), Adam Sackler/Reader, Jessa Johansson/Adam Sackler
Series: Life Beyond Words Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1714345
Comments: 12
Kudos: 74





	1. The Carousel

The walk home was the most tiring, the most jarring. What had just happened? He came to her rescue, but where did that leave them in the long run?

It was on the streets of New York that Adam resigned himself to his fate, realising that both him and Hannah were just too different, they wanted different things and that they had grown apart. Fuck, who was he kidding? She was the one that grew, but so did he…Didn’t he?

Now on his street, nearing his building, he palms his pockets looking for his keys, only to find that he doesn’t have them. Did he lose them somewhere, or did he leave without them? “Shit” He does the thing he doesn’t want to do; he fishes his phone out of his pocket and looks for her name, not knowing how this is going to turn out.

He calls her, even though he knows he shouldn’t, but what else does he have, where else can he go?

“Hello.” The line picks up to the sound of Jessa’s voice.

“Hey, you home?” Adam asks quietly, trying to figure out Jessa’s mood by the inflection in her mood.

“Uh-huh.” She answers

“Got to the window” He orders her and waits in view of the apartment window. He waits until he sees as Jessa’s face finally peeks her head out of it to look at him. “If I buzz will you let me in?” He asks her hopefully.

“Yeah.” She answers him nonchalantly.

———-

Taking a deep breath at the front door, Adam returns to the apartment to find Jessa on their couch, seemingly acting normally. Their moods are calm as he looked at her and she smiled at him. That sweet small smile that made her appear younger than she was; an almost innocent visage on her face, haloed by beautiful blonde hair. He approaches her as she gets up to embrace him tightly by the waist.

She knows the reason why he’s here is because he’s back. Did his attempt with Hannah fail? Yes. But she was willing to let it go, afterall, she wasn’t innocent and anyone could have a slip up. Not long ago, she whispered into the air how much she wanted him above any other man, and the universe answered by bringing him home; by bringing him to her.

The fight for him was over; the waters of their mercurial moods are still and calm. The symptom abates, but the sickness remains. In Adam’s heart he knew that their relationship wouldn’t last. It was a different type of relationship, nothing like his previous relationship with Hannah; it’s true that what he felt with Jessa has that wonderful, emotional connection but that was coupled with a volatile dance that is unstable to persist, but too stubborn to crumble.

He accepts her embrace as he cradles her face with his hands and kisses her deeply, full of passion. Their deep sighs are a sign of their ease; a herald of what’s to come. She started by slowly caressing the waistband of his jeans before moving her hands up under his shirt and lifting it upwards as she explored his chest. Giggling in between kisses, they pull apart to take off his shirt, before uniting again.

Her tongue flicks at his upper lip in challenge, wanting things to go further. He was never one to back away so he meets her demand, his tongue exploring her mouth as he moves his right hand cradling her neck, while the other rests at her waist; her hands passing through the expansions of his broad chest, taking her time to feel every muscle and ridge his body had to show, savouring in the feeling of him. She starts pushing him further and further back, guiding him until they reach the couch. She pushes him to sit down so she could straddle his lap, grinding herself on the hardening bulge in his jeans as his mouth goes to her neck.

“Oh Fuck” he moans deeply placing his hands on her hips for support. The world around him blurs as the passions heightened. Breaths grew hot and heavy quickly, as they got drunk off each other; the feel of their skin being touched and licked as they went.

Jessa laughs out a moan and takes the initiative to remove her white bralette, exposing her breasts to Adam’s attention. By just instinct, his mouth is quick to go to her breasts; latching on and licking her nipples to his heart’s content while Jessa’s breathy moans can be heard in the silence of the night as she moves her hips over his covered cock, desperately trying to create enough friction on her clit. It felt good to get out of his head, to quiet the endless buzzing of his thoughts and not think, just be; even if it was for a while.

She gave a small yelp as he picked her up by her waist and swung her to place her back on the sofa. They both frantically try to remove what’s left of their clothes, eager for the pleasure to come.

Naked and ready, Adam gets on the sofa on both of his knees, eyeing Jessa like a predator would its prey, showing no warm feeling or regard, just pure animalistic lust and conviction. The muscles in his back flex as he leans forward towards Jessa, prying her eager legs apart as she bites her swollen bottom lip looking at him with need in her eyes. “Please. I want you, I need you now!” She thinks desperately, groaning as he runs two fingers over her cunt, separating her folds, feeling how wet and aroused she was for him.

“Fuck” he groans as he takes his erection in his left hand, slowly pumping it, spreading the drops of pre cum from the head and down the shaft while he watches her breasts rise and fall as she starts to breathe heavily. Eager to get started, Adam uses his thumb to play with her clit while he pushes his middle finger in her, causing Jessa to moan as he plays with the walls inside her pussy.

“Play with your tits” He orders after he spits in his hand, getting himself wet enough to enter her. Jessa licks her left index finger and starts pulling at her nipple, her mouth open as she licks her lips sensually for him, her mood ever so playful as she giggles a little.

His lips return to her neck, kissing and biting towards her collarbone. Between sighs and heavy panting, he finally lines his cock with her pussy and enters her. Jessa gasps and smiles, betraying her assurance and euphoria. This was what she wanted, what she needed.

She places her hand on his shoulder, getting leverage to move her hips, taking control of their rhythm as she grinds her hips as much as she can to meet his thrusts. His hands moved to her hips, guiding her, enjoying the sight of her breasts bouncing while she coats him with her juices as he enters her over and over.

The cacophony of their moaning and panting, along with the delicious sounds their bodies were making and the sight before him turned him on even more. It wasn’t sweet, and it wasn’t loving; it was raw, impulsive and satisfyingly animalistic; from the bites that he left on her neck and her tits, to the scratches that were starting to form on his shoulders and pecs.

Adam closes his eyes, leaning his head back as he surrenders to the feeling of having his cock squeezed inside her pussy every time she clenches her walls. A fucking delight to his senses that brought him to close to the edge, making him thrust faster and harder. His movements are more forceful as his grip gets tighter.

“Oooh fuck!” Jessa moans as she watches as he rams into her pussy, his pubic bone biting her clit with each thrust. She can’t get enough of this, the way he stretches her pussy, the sweet friction they’re making; she never wants it to end.

“Yeah, you like that?” He asks.

“Yeah…uuhhg fuck yeah. C’mon, fuck me.”

This was just a fuck, he knew, but fuck is it good. They always had great sexual chemistry, and right now they were enjoying the intensity of just fucking each other raw.

Sweet, sweet poison.

Her moans become louder as his speed increases; he can feel his orgasm building up. Oh no, he’s not even close to being done, he needs more he decides still too high on his own sensations. Adam places her legs over his shoulder as he rams deeper into her, chasing his orgasm in the midst of their feral rut.

“Oh, FUCK!” He curses, too lost in the pleasures of her sweet cunt to think about anything else.

Sweet, sweet poison.

This is exactly what he was looking for, he can’t think; doesn’t want to think.

“Unhhhhhg. fuck uhh!!” Jessa exclaims as she can feel it, that pressure in her belly that gives way to a shudder as she cums on his cock as he’s still fucking her.

He cursed loudly as he feels her pussy clenching, pulling him as his pleasure builds, his release so close, but he can’t finish this way, no fucking way. He pulls out of her and pulls Jessa back up.

“What the fuck?” She yelps as Adam flips her arranging her to get in front of him on all fours on the couch. Jessa chuckles a bit, excited for what Adam has in store.

Once she’s in position he teases her by running the head of his cock through her folds, teasing her clit for a bit before thrusting back in, ramming into her from behind. His thrusts are wild as his panting mixes with her moans. His movements become more erratic, less measured as he gets closer to his breaking point.

“Right there. Oh, god! Don’t stop.” Jessa moans, still over sensitive from her latest orgasm. “Don’t stop.”

All that’s heard is the noises made from her wet pussy as Adam pounds into her. His control is out the window as his mind is lost, high on the pleasure. He leans over her, and grabs at her throat, still thrusting in and out of her.

“Uuuunhhh Oh!” Jessa moaned through Adam’s choke hold as she reached her second orgasm. Her body spasms as the pleasure comes in tremors, pulling him into her. That alone was enough to make him pull out. He was close, he felt it as he started jerking off on top of her. The build up reached its peak as he cums with a load moan. “Fuck!! Arghh!” Long streams of cum shot out of his cock all over Jessa’s lower back and ass, as he continued jerking off, thrusting into his hand as he rode his high, making sure he was giving her every bit of his load.

They’re both left panting with no strength, nor will to move from the couch. Jessa lies face forward, still reeling from the intensity of their high; likewise Adam unceremoniously plopped back, sitting, draped on the couch, eyes closed facing the ceiling, spreading out his tired and cramped legs while breathing heavily his heart trying to calm down.

Both of them, close, but worlds apart; Adam struggles with the realization that what he had with Hannah is over and that they’ll never be together again, despite how much they love each other. It felt like the end of an era, and he was numb to it all.

Jessa on the other hand is feeling elated, validated over the fact that he isn’t with Hannah, helping her raise her baby, he went back to her; he chose her. So what if she fucked that guy in the bar, she doesn’t doubt that he fucked Hannah, so as far as she’s concerned, they’re even. It’s water under the bridge, and now they can move forward together.

For once, Jessa didn’t feel like the other woman, the mistress, the man stealing Jezebel that people make her out to be. No, she felt like the girlfriend, he makes her feel like the most important person in his world. It’s true that he left her to pursue Hannah, it’s a truth that lives deep down, in that special place in her mind where she doesn’t dare to look into; she knows that he will leave her, that this world, this fantasy will end in fire. To acknowledge that would be to come face to face with her insecurities, and that she can’t bear.

“No, Adam can’t and won’t leave me” She desperately thinks; the fact that he’s here now naked and panting beside her is proof enough.

Denial is it’s own brand of drug.

Adam’s breathing has calmed, but he doesn’t dare move, all he can do is look forward with a forlorn expression on his face, thinking where can he go from here. He wasn’t joking when he offhandedly told Hannah that he and Jessa will probably break up in 4 months.

“So, where the fuck does that leave me?”

His face turns to his left as he looked over at Jessa, the expression on her face showed him just how happy she was willing to remain in their world; the bubble she refused to pop. He picks his shirt off of the floor to clean the wet and sticky with a mixture of sweat and cum off her back.

He doesn’t feel it. What was once that sweet post sex afterglow has now left him feeling empty and numb. The high is over and he’s left with nothing; wanting.

He can’t fucking deal with this right now, not here. Adam shuts his eyes and gets up and heads over to the bathroom, closing the door behind him as he leaves her there. Running his hands furiously through his face, Adam leans on the fixed bathroom door, sighing heavily as he feels his anxiety creep in.

He turns the shower on and waits for a bit for the water to get to the right temperature before he gets in. Standing under the steady stream of water, his hair clinging to his face, he faces the shower head with a blank expression.

The water rains down his body, washing away the mess of the day, granting him an unexpected clarity and serenity. Just like he knew he had to pursue his last ditch attempt to get back together with Hannah, he knew a line was crossed. His breathing starts to quicken as the feeling goes from numbness to desperation. Tears start to fall from his eyes; mixing with the water from the shower head.

Just what the fuck was he doing?

Adam sighed as he realized that his life is a mess created by his job and the women in his life (both past and present). The roles he’s getting are in shitty productions, and with the whole Jessa/Hannah he now feels more lost than ever, which in turn is giving him that itch; the one that makes him feel like he needs a drink, or ten.

“Fuck! I’m so tired of this shit.” He screams internally as he leans into the shower’s wall. The tightness in his chest is too much, and he lashes out against something, anything. In this case it was the shower wall as Adam starts punching it once, twice, three times before leaning back. His eyes are still wet with tears from this rollercoaster of a day, as blood rushes to his hand as it starts to swell from the bruising; the sting hurts, but at least he feels something.

Adam lets out a deep sigh, exhaling through his nose as his hand blocks the view from his eyes. How did he come to feel so lost? Is he supposed to stay with Jessa? Was this just a moment of weakness in their relationship? It wouldn’t be the first time this happens to him. The first was with Mimi-Rose. God! In the end he didn’t even know her! But he knew Hannah, there was eight years worth of history; of great times and bad times.

The streams of water run through his shoulder, down his back and his stomach as little water droplets linger. For a moment he can feel the comforting caress of the water, seemingly trying to console him of his trouble, but he knew better. Ever the practical man, he starts to bathe, scrubbing arms and legs, taking his frustrations out on himself, leaving his limbs red from the fierce treatment on his skin. A sigh comes from his lips as he washes his hair in an attempt to at least calm himself until he was able to go to a meeting.

He can’t think about it; doesn’t want to think of all the bullshit in his life. He has to get a haircut soon…maybe. Adam muses instead. He shouldn’t get attached to it. Like everything it comes and goes. It seems like nothing is constant in his life. People come, people leave. His friends all have something and now he feels like the little kid; alone in the play yard, after everyone else has gone home. After one final rinse and he turns the shower off, grabbing a towel while stepping out, seeing things with different eyes, feeling like a stranger in his own house. Everything feels askew and blurry; not quite right, like it’s all a dream.

Numb

He didn’t exchange words with Jessa. “That’s okay” she thought, he can be quiet sometimes and she’s willing to give him his space; the important part is that he’s here, so she can wait, knowing that he’s here with her.

What she didn’t know is that he was too lost in his thoughts, ironically trying not to think, to even want to speak to her. Adam has never been a person that overthink things. He lives in the moment, in his body, but now it feels as if he’s going to go out of his body, like he has no power and no way

That night they slept beside each other, oblivious to what the other was thinking, just trying to get past the day, to not think; taking what shelter they could in each other from the harsh realities outside.

They share the same bed, but they are miles apart.


	2. Eyes Wide Shut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happens last night Adam has a lot to think about.

The following day, Adam woke up feeling adrift and numb; as if yesterday the rug was pulled underneath him and leaving him with no ground to fall on. A dangerous thing for an addict to feel. That tightrope walk that he spent years trying to master was starting to feel more difficult, and his walk was becoming wobbly, like the world itself could barely support him as the dark thoughts and his compulsions started to creep in, like roots, stretching upwards towards his neck. He hadn’t felt like this in some time, not since he was with Natalia, and that ended up beautifully with him relapsing, waking up the next day alone with almost no memory of what happened that night and with a stint in a rehab-esque lockdown afterwards, trying to get sober again.

He’s starting to feel restless; his mind can’t fucking slow down.

That’s it, he had to go for a run. He had to calm down, and think rationally….somehow. He quickly gets up to look for his socks and sneakers to change into his running gear, thinking that maybe he can literally, if not metaphorically, run from his problems for a little while. 

——-———

Outside, the humid summer air hit him as he ran through his familiar Brooklyn streets. His mind eagerly recited the twelve step program back to him, as he tried to talk himself off the ledge that he got into yesterday. He didn’t dare to think about anything serious right now. Frankly, he thinks that that’s how he got here in the first place. And now he’s trying to run away from it. In doing so he decided to switch gears about his mind going through what he had to do for the day. He remembers he had a couple of auditions today, with one in particular that he couldn’t miss. 

‘Trust me, you do not want to miss this shot’ his agent had said. It’s not like he can do much else!

At this point in his career, with a Broadway play, a few commercials and few indie roles under his belt, he still had no choice but to audition to get his face out there. And this is where his biggest fucking problem with the job come from. In theory auditions aren’t bad, but in reality, most times it’s just him standing in a room filled with judgemental assholes basically asking him to be their little actor monkey and making jump hoops for a role, and even THEN, there’s no guarantee that he’d have the role. 

There have been moments here and there, where he’s considered quitting acting all together; last time he did so, Jessa got him out of that rage fueled hissy fit and they ended up making a movie together.

_“Jessa.”_

His mind automatically went back to her and their whole clusterfuck of a relationship. Well, that’s not fair to say either, it wasn’t all bad. Like any relationship they have their good moments more often than not. In truth, she’s been one of his closest friends, ever since they bonded over their addictions and shared weirdness. In a way, they’re both oddballs against the world; she understood him and his struggles, and she supported his dreams. Or at least that’s how it seemed to him.

At the moment it wasn’t so bad, at least not from what he would say, but when it was bad, they were a hurricane of biblical proportions. 

But reuniting with Hannah had felt so right, so... familiar and intense, and blissful. It’s official, this whole situation is fucked.

“Fuck.”

——-—————-—————-—————-—————-———

Back from his run, he bounded up the stairs and carefully opened his front door, quietly surveying if Jessa was around. It may seem silly, but he was seriously not in the mood nor ready to confront her. And fickle as that sounds, it’s kinda true; he’d always had an issue with confrontation, and with the way his life is right now...he can't even begin to unravel this whole shit. So he turns to his old tactic of just plain avoiding. “ _Something easier said than done when you share an apartment together_.” He thought as he rushed to take a much needed shower before he had to leave again. 

He had to put his best foot forward to hopefully land something good. He still has money from what he saved from his past projects, to supplement, and it’s not like the man’s exactly high maintenance, but he just wants to solely dedicate his time to this. Thankfully his agent, a tall salt-and-pepper haired man named Luke, has been sniffing around for any good looking projects for him, and if he’s to be believed, this project could be good for his budding career.

He got out of the shower and dressed for the day in a simple blue t-shirt and jeans before going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of milk. Breakfast will have to wait ’til later. Glass in hand and tilting his head, drinking the whole thing in one swing before pacing back and forth the entire apartment, looking for what he needed out of the numerous scripts that he left lying around the living room and bedroom. Grabbing the two that he needed before making sure he had everything he needed before heading out, not really feeling like staying here for too long, already feeling uncomfortable in the apartment itself.

——-—————-—————-—————-—————-———

One thing that Adam liked about living in New York, he can walk anywhere, or he can take a train, the options are endless. Which is why he likes to run through his lines in his head while walking over to the subway station. 

His first audition was going to be held in an office in downtown Manhattan, so that was promising, at least. Most of the time he did small productions so his pay wasn’t that much, but he still had to put up with the director’s bullshit. 

His agent was the one that sent him the script, eager to get his face out there. The play itself wasn’t that well known, but from what he knew it was created by a young up-and-coming writer and is being directed by a well known established Director, (Adam was never good with names) and although it wasn't broadway, they were hoping it would garner enough critical praise to make up for it. Even so, he thinks, he shouldn’t get excited by anything; shouldn’t hope for anything.

This was his process, something he sort of trained himself for; to not expect anything and to not care if he gets the part or not. To prepare himself for disappointment. It’s not that he didn’t think he was a good actor, in his mind, Adam thought he was good enough; at the very least enough to be able to have steady work. The trick lies in not falling into the pitfall of being overconfident in thinking that you’re the best and not get the part. Today, his priority was to impress the casting director and do the best that he could.

The train car is not that crowded today, giving him the perfect opportunity to sit down, and concentrate to try to get into his character’s mindset. The play was about the toxic relationship between a war veteran and his wife. The husband, Billy, returns from his tour under a medical discharge due to losing a leg and having his body scarred from an explosion; what happens afterward is a downward spiral toward despair and manipulation, as Billy tries to cope with his new life as an veteran amputee, while his wife, Lizzie, is trying to survive being the wife of an injured war vet. As a challenge he decided to try out for the part of the main protagonist, confident that he could do him justice.

Adam surmised that after the accident Billy became bitter and desensitised to most things as he starts to resent the world around him and everyone in it because of what it took from him and how little it mattered in the end.

As he nears the building, he starts to think of his past rejections, the excuses other directors have used and all the bullshit that they’ve given him in between. It gets him frustrated and angry; perfect for the scene that he’s reading.

Inside the modern open concept lobby, other actors waited for their name to be called; some sitting down others standing around or pacing. Truth be told, he was so in his head trying to stay in character that he didn’t really notice them, or anyone in particular as he waited along with the rest.

”Adam Sackler?” The receptionist called out to him, letting him know that he’s next, gesturing for him to follow her.

He walks up to follow her through a door leading to a room where three people were sitting behind a table filled with papers and headshots, waiting for the next actor; looking bored and busy simultaneously. A camera stands tall behind them; recording his audition.

-”Hi, I’m Adam Sackler, and I’m going to be reading for the role Billy.” He informed them as they stared; the room quiet and awkward as a woman with short red hair, who could only be the casting director Annie Cartwright, wrote into a small notebook. “I’ll be doing the therapy scene.”

-”Whenever you want to start.” The director, a man named Jim Anderson, sat in the middle, a look of concentration on his face with his arms crossed, trying to pay attention, while occasionally scratching his beard. Lastly, to Adam’s far left was the second man with brown curly hair and a beard to match; he barely looked at Adam as he looked more focused on his phone than anything else.

Script in hand, Adam took a chair from a corner, set it in the middle, and sat down; taking a minute to get into the scene.

“So Billy, are you willing to share anything during today’s session?” The red haired woman asked, reading from the script. “Anything at all? Or is it just going to be more silence?”

Adam waits further looking down, waiting and running through the line in his head.

“Look Billy, you have to share something. That’s the point of group therapy. Everyone here has through the same things you have, and they all share. How can you start healing if you can’t confront it?”

He looks at her dead in the eye; his own filled with contempt and bitterness. “You want me to share? Ok, let’s share. Where should I start? Should I start when I was deployed, or when I lost my fucking leg, or when Shane was screaming at us to kill him while he was lying on the ground? Oh, I know, how about I start with the time Jimmy died of a gsw in my arms while we waited for help?!” Slowly his eyes begin to water, a soulful bitterness in his eyes as his tone drips with sarcasm. “Cause let’s face it, we’re here to share.” A bitter smile graces his lips while a tear slips from his left eye. “What a load of motherfucking bullshit. You don’t care, nobody cares! You live your lives as if nothing’s changed. Politicians keep spitting the same fucking bullshit that everything is good, while we’re in hell and you all keep living in pure fucking bliss. You want me to share? As if that’s gonna fuckin’ help? You don’t know shit, so don’t come to me with your fucking sympathy. Fuck you AND your bullshit. You don’t know me! You don’t know shit, or what we’ve been through. You just look at us like we’re something else, and you tiptoe around us. Fuck you and your sharing, I’ve…”

Adam’s voice starts breaking when a cell phone rings. The man with the curly brown hair holds a finger up while looking at his phone’s screen.

“Hold that for a minute, yeah.” The man says before answering his phone, getting up while Adam is on the verge of tears doing an emotional scene.

_‘Is this guy fucking kidding?! I’m busting my ass and this motherfucking asshole takes a call while in the middle of the scene? What the fuck am I suppose to do, just hold it in while he takes a call?’_ This guy was testing his patience, if it weren’t because of his agent, he would’ve walked out already, something he is EXTREMELY tempted to do.

The red haired woman rolled her eyes and sighed while the Director beside her scoffs in disbelief. 

“I apologize for this Adam, Nathan, is one of the play producers, and as you can see he is never off the phone.” Annie said passive aggressively. From what he could interpret, it seems that this is a regular thing with this guy.

‘ _Fuck it.’_ He decides to wait, letting his anger and frustration for this guy help him stay in character.

Nathan finishes with his call quickly and comes back so they can pick up where they left off, but the mood in the room is different now. Adam continues with his monologue merely as a courtesy, already deciding that it doesn’t matter whether he screws up or not, because he’d rather not work with this asshole.

_‘Fucking asshole cunt.’_ He thinks as he looks at how Nathan acts as if he hadn’t done anything rude or out of the ordinary. Getting up and moving towards the director to at least try to leave an impression, Adam’s actually taken aback a bit by how humble Jim’s demeanor is as he approached him in turn.

“Thank you so much Adam for everything, that was really good.” Jim said as he shook his hand with both of his. “Definitely. I love the quiet power behind your pronunciation.”

“Thanks.” Adam replies, smiling politely showing a bit of his teeth, grateful that at least the director seems like an understandable person that appreciates his work.

Annie approaches him again to apologize for Nathan’s behaviour, but he told her it was okay. After all, it’s not her fault that he’s an asshole, so he said his goodbyes with the promise that they’d keep in touch and walked out onto the street.

_‘At least they liked it, or that’s what they said.’_ He thought, not really caring whether he had the part or not. Still, he was pissed off at the guy, taking long strides in his walk to calm down. _‘Motherfucker’_

It wasn’t until a bit later that he realized that he hadn't eaten yet, so with only a glass of milk in his stomach, he picks out his phone out of his pocket and looks at the time. He still had a few hours before his next audition for the day, so a bit of breakfast was in order.

_‘There’s no fucking way I want to go back to the apartment, so the deli it is. A nice cup of coffee, a sandwich or eggs. Ugh yes!”_

The journey was a bit long and the deli was a bit crowded, he’s not surprised, given the hour. Even so, that didn’t stop him from getting his food. He took this time to go through his scene, getting ready for his read through. It was for a small independent movie short where some friends spend a night doing drugs in a room and how their relationships unravel as a result. It was one of those weirdly deep artsy projects that you never knew if they’d get critical acclaim or if they were just pretentious, so he decided to go for it. Being in Major Barbara did give his career a boost, and he became more serious as an actor, but it didn’t change his life overnight; he still was still auditioning trying to do something good, something meaningful. In truth, it’s as if things haven’t changed at all in the past couple of years.

Don’t get him wrong, it’s not celebrity or wealth that he’s after, sure it’s good to have money; it's nice to pay his bills and to eat, but he is an actor committed to his job and the strange love affair that he has with it.

——-—————-—————-—————-—————-———

AA was just what he needed; a moment to say what he’s feeling and be able to look inward, as well as outward, to get the support that he needs right now, lest he falls victim to his addiction again.

Walking inside the building, he saw that they were getting everything set up for the meeting. Claire and Jeff were taking care of the coffee station, while in the main space he saw a few people he recognized from previous times, getting chairs and sitting down; he does the same, quietly waiting for the meeting to start. 

It’s a familiar feeling, to be back here, just listening to the other’s stories gave him a sense of support, to remind him that he’s not along, that things could be worse but they can be better too. It’s the unspoken spoken rule in AA, that everybody has a past, we all do horrible things, but here there’s community and understanding. Adam leans forward in his seat, hunching over and placing his hands on the back of the chair in front of him, listening intently to the story being told.

“It’s been an uphill trek. We’re not even done getting divorced and she is already parading this new guy for everyone to see. In front of my kid! I haven’t even met this guy! So, I decided to confront her about it, long story short, it turned into this big fight; things were said. And at this point, I don’t care what she says about me; I get it, I’m an alcoholic, and my addiction fucked up my marriage, but when she told me that no judge would let me see him.” The crowd starts murmuring their sympathies as the man, who Adam recognizes as Rob, shares his story. “ ‘No judge would let a known alcoholic near a little boy, much less have custody’ those were her words. And I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing my boy. I don’t have anyone else, and it’s not like what she said isn’t true...So, I fell into a dark place, I...I needed a drink. Bad. I got out of the house, walked down to this bar. And all I wanted was to just drink, to just let go for once. God, what I wouldn’t give!” Rob runs his hands through his face as he gives out a heavy sigh. His tone showed his exhaust at the everyday battle he engaged in. “But I didn’t; I can’t risk doing this to my boy. So, I got out of there and started running as fast as my legs could carry me...yeah.” Rob looks down at his hands and then sits as the group applauded him for sharing his story.

“That’s very good Rob, thank you for sharing. You just showed everyone here that we can all just turn away from it. Remember that it’s in your power. Ok?” Frankie, a burly man with sleeve tattoos and salt and pepper hair said. Frank just so happened to be the group moderator leading the meeting; and while he did look a bit intimidating, he’s actually a very sweet, gentle soul, just helping others, just like others helped him. Rob had been struggling for a bit, ever since their son was diagnosed with autism things took a downward spiral starting with his drinking, her long affair with another man, and ending in their current divorce; fighting over their son. That’s why he was here, to stay strong for him, to get through this.

“Hey Rob, don’t listen to that bullshit, okay. You’re sober and you’re fighting to stay that way. You’re putting in the work, that counts for something.” Adam said, looking at Rob in the eyes with his usual intensity. Adam’s known him for a while and sympathizes with him; he knows that he just wants to be a good father, to do right by him. Rob turns around to face Adam and smiles gratefully while nodding, taking his much needed words to heart. 

“Thanks, man.”

Frankie started to nod “ Thank you for sharing Rob. Remember guys, think of the bigger picture, we rise above our demons, yeah? Anybody else, feel like sharing?”

The silence follows for a few beats. Adam looks around looking to see who’s gonna share next. “ _Now’s as good a time as any, I guess. Fuck it.”_ he thinks, with no fucks given he abruptly stands up only looking a bit awkward in the process. “ Yeah, uh. So, lately my life’s been a bit too much to handle, and um…” He starts while stroking his goatee; a nervous habit of his, the other hand on his hip.

“It’s okay Adam, take your time, you’re in a safe space.” Frankie reminded Adam as he looked down.

“Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve been here...So I started dating this girl who’s smart, funny, understanding, and nice. She’s a recovering addict too. We started out as friends, but the attraction and chemistry there...Eventually we started having sex, which was fucking great, but the thing is she’s my ex-girlfriend’s best friend. At first she didn’t want to date me, because of my ex. My relationship with my ex was intense and beautiful, but it was kinda on/off again and when I tried to get back together, she rejected me. So, I guess that I wanted to move on and forget her, or whatever. In any case she wasn’t in our lives anymore. So it took a while, but eventually we ended up together. And it’s a fucking rollercoaster. I..I don’t know what to think anymore. At first it was good, we talked, we were friends, and the sex is good...She always hears me out and supports me, but when we fight...shit gets fucked up. She throws stuff at me, I throw stuff at her, we end up screaming and trashing the apartment. We fuck afterwards, and I don’t fucking get it.”

He lets go of a deep sigh, feeling the weight on his body lighten bit, by bit. “A few days ago, I found out that my ex was pregnant, the father isn’t in the picture, and something turned on in me; I just **knew** that we belonged together, and that I wanted to help her raise her baby, and see her just become the beautiful mother that I know she’ll be….There was just too much history for us not to try again. So I told my girlfriend, and she just said ‘ok. She didn’t get angry or anything; she would’ve left me in a few months anyway. So I got back together with my ex, her ex best friend, for a literal day, trying to make it work, and that’s when we realized we couldn’t.” Adam’s eyes start to water as his breathing starts to get agitated “Everything that we had...uh..it was like my world started crumbling around me, getting blurry. Like our relationship and what we had just died. I felt empty and, and I felt alone, or whatever.”

“So I went back home, to my girlfriend. I haven’t told her what happened with my ex. She just...She just took me back, but I still feel like everything is a blur in slow motion, and like my life is a fucking mess! I’ts like fucking quicksand and I can’t find a way out and I’m going to drown if I don’t do something. And... I’m just so exhausted. The last time I wanted a drink, I wasn’t feeling solid in my sobriety, but lately, I feel like there’s no ground under me at all. And I’m afraid I’ll drink again. So that’s why I’m here….ok.” Adam heaves a deep breath to try and calm himself down before looking at Frankie exasperated, and a weight lifted off his shoulders as he visibly relaxes after releasing his pent up feelings. “I need help.” He gives out another deep sigh before sitting back down, legs spread with a bereft look in his eyes.

“That’s quite the story Adam. Look, sobriety is an everyday battle, you know that, but sometimes our sobriety is challenged or, god forbid, broken by toxic behaviour. Sometimes it’s the people around us, sometimes it’s self-sabotage. Now Adam, we’ve known each other for a while since you started coming here, and sometimes you can engage in self destructive behaviour. Now, no one here wants that to break your sobriety. We’re here for you. Remember that how you live your life is up to you, that’s why the first step towards sobriety is consciously realizing you have a problem; so you can change for the better. If your life is a mess, you clean it; if you’re unhappy, find what makes you happy. Life is full of hurdles but the trick is how we deal with them. Alright?” Frankie explained to him with a patient understanding. 

A shy, slender man with brown wavy hair raised his hand, getting Frank’s attention. “Yeah, Josh? Anything you wanna share?”

Josh got up to speak. He was at a regular average height around 5 foot 10 inches, a bit on the pale side with a lean figure. His hair is a dark brown mess of coiffed wavy locks; trimmed at the sides. His shirt was a normal gray long-sleeve button-down, with the sleeves up, accompanying his black jeans as they sat relaxed on his hips. His whole appearance would suggest that he was a normal, well adjusted guy; an average Joe, you’d see on the street.

“Yeah, uh. I, um. I just wanted to make a comment; so no offense to anyone is intended.” Josh turned around to look at Adam with an apologetic expression on his face, his tone careful. “Look man, obviously we don’t know these women, or the full story, but based on what you just shared, with all due respect; it sounds like you’re in a pretty toxic relationship. I’d run the hell away in the opposite direction if I were you, and I have. I’ve been where you are, dude, things were bad….well, you know.” He said vaguely gesturing towards Adam who was listening intently. “Anyway, you seem like a cool guy and I wanted to let you know, I get you, I see you; and I know how hard it is to stick to your sobriety, but...keep at it man, I’m rooting for you...so..yeah.” Not wanting to put his foot in his mouth any further, Josh awkwardly sits down again leaving the room silent for a few beats.

“Thanks Josh, that was very nice. At the end, we’re here to support each other, and to get help. Everything said here isn’t said with bad intentions, just concern. Keep in mind guys; this is a safe space, ok? Adam, you good?” 

Adam’s sight is miles away, his face pensive as he comes back into reality and looks around the group. “Yeah, and thanks, man.”

——-—————-—————-—————-———

After the meeting finished, Adam couldn’t stop thinking about what that Josh guy said. _“Maybe this whole thing is fucking toxic. Shit.”_ Well shit, if anything, at least now he felt better after sharing and things didn’t feel so out of control.

Walking to the door, he takes a minute to pull out his phone to look at the time, when he hears someone approach him. Tuning around to see who it was he recognizes that Josh guy from earlier, walking towards him; hands in his pockets.

-“Hey.” Josh greets him with a friendly smirk on his face.

-”Heey.” Adam responds cautiously, but really it just comes out weirdly awkward.

-”Josh.” His tone is friendly as he extends his hand out to Adam. 

Adam takes a moment to look at his outstretched hand before meeting it with his own and shaking it. ”Adam.”

-”Look man, I hope you don’t feel like I put you on the spot or whatever.” 

-”uh. No,no I’m good.” 

-”Listen, wanna grab a cup of coffee, maybe a bite to eat if you wanna talk.? I’m starving.”

-“Okay. Yeah, sure.” Adam answers casually flipping, his hands reaching up to adjust his hair as he does so.

-”c’mon. I know a good coffee place near here. Their food is insane.” Josh smiles at him invitingly but also covertly excited for the food. 

-”yeah?” Adam smiles a little at Josh’s gesticulations when he’s talking about the place and the food. It was a bit odd, on how trusting or open he seemed; but Adam was a quirky guy himself, so who’s he to judge?

-”Yeah, man. C’mon.” Josh replied coolly as he placed his hands in his pockets before they started to walk.

-”So, you’ve been to AA long?”

-”uh, yeah. I realized I had a problem early and I kinda wanted to nip it in the bud.”

-”Dang. I respect that.”

-”you?”

-”Well, not as long as you have obviously. I’ve been sober for six years. No drinks, no drugs.”

-”Drugs.”

-”Yeah, I got hooked on hallucinogens and cocaine. It’s a bad combo. I was a kid and I wanted to fit in...it was stupid. But anyway, at least I got clean and sober. That’s how I know. When I got clean, I realized that the drugs and the alcohol wasn’t the problem, I was... Me and the people around me.”

-”Well shit.”

“Yeah. My girlfriend at the time; Julie. She was great...smart, funny; just beautiful, man. But we’re both addicts. Lucky, we both got sober, and things were good for a time….and when they weren’t, well... shit got violent, and our living room ended up looking like a war zone. We’d break up and then we’d get back together. We just didn’t see what it was doing.” Josh explained his story to Adam as they entered the coffee shop.

Danny’s was one of those indie coffee houses, where even the decor had a personality. Dark wood and light colors are illuminated by the overhead edison lamps made from scraps, and the open windows in the front. It looked like a hipster owned mom and pop coffee shop, complete with Brooklyn’s finest millennials.

They ordered their coffee and settled on a table. Adam just had a regular coffee, Josh on the other hand, ordered Dominican grain with milk and sugar to go with his pastry.

-“So what happened?” Adam resumed their conversation, now curious to know what happened next.

-”Things were good with her, she got a good internship job in her field of work (she’s a language interpreter), and I was already finishing my Bachelor’s in engineering, so...To save you the details of this whole spiel, we fought badly. She threw dishes at me, I put a hole in the wall, you can imagine how **that** was. We’d scream, she’d hit me, and in the heat of things, I hit her back, she bit me and scratched me until she drew blood…”

-”whaaat the shit.” Shocked, Adam looks at Josh as he drank his coffee, hearing intently as he begins to realize how much his story can mirror his own.

Josh laughs at Adams expression; eyes wide and brows raised. ”I know… Anyway, that was the start of the really bad fights. Until one night one of my neighbors calls the police with a noise complaint, and yours truly gets arrested for assault and battery. She didn’t press charges, so I only had to pay a fine. We kept at it until our last fight, where we were arrested, again. As part of my sentence, I had to go to therapy, and That’s when I realized that our relationship was toxic and codependent, but I was still with her because I loved her. Things got so bad that I fell off the wagon...I felt empty. I don’t know if we stayed together because of convenience or if I didn’t want to be alone, but all I know now is that it was codependent. So...on one of my benders, I slept with someone else, and she decided to confront me about it. At the time I was high on cocaine, and the fight got so bad that….I started choking her and I almost killed her.”

-“Holy fucking shit.” Was Adam’s visceral response to Josh’s words. Mouth hanging open in disbelief as he leaned back into his seat. Still trying to process what he was saying, unable to picture this mild mannered looking guy as a possible killer.

-”Yup, that was my rock bottom. I went to rehab, got sober; and honestly to this day I can’t believe what happened. I mean, I’m not a killer. So I went back to therapy and it’s honestly the best thing ever invented by that beautiful spaghetti monster in the sky; it helped me realize a lot of stuff about me. It’s not healthy for fights to get physical. It was domestic violence all around. And as much as I Loved her...for as many good times we had, I realized that something had to change. Julie brought out the best in me….but also my worst, and as much as I cared for her, we weren’t doing each other any good. So I broke it off…”

Adam stared at Josh as he drifted off a bit, thinking about how shit got this serious.

“Don’t get me wrong, I still care about her, just...not in that way anymore. But it was hard at first, I felt like nothing, and I was alone ‘cause a lot of my friends enabled me too, so…” Josh takes a deep sigh and shrugs his shoulders in a hunch. “So, I move to New York; new place, new friends, and a fresh start.”

Josh’s gaze meets his before he starts to chuckle from looking at Adam’s face. The expression on his face was one that he was used to; awed disbelief, but that’s exactly why he was so open about it, especially to people he meets in AA. 

\- “And how is that working out for you?” Adam asked curiously, his head tilting up a bit.

-”Can’t complain; got a job, met someone else. Her name’s Vanessa, she’s a baker; hoping to open her own bakery one day, too. Who knows ....In any case, the last time I saw Julie was two years ago...she seemed to be doing good. I wish her all the best, really.” Josh lets out a self deprecating scoff, feeling bad for Adam having to hear his messed up story. “ I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you, man; really.”

-”No, don’t worry about it.”

-”You gotta admit, it’s pretty heavy stuff.” Josh joked as he leaned back in his seat, placing his left arm on the table, holding his cup of coffee

-”You should write it into a movie or something.” Adam jokingly suggests.

-”uh, I don’t think so.”

-”I did. I ended up making a movie about my relationship with my ex.” Adam randomly says.

“For real?” Josh asks, shocked at Adam’s declaration.

“Yeah.” he replies back

-”Nah, it wouldn’t be any good. I just wanted to tell you, ‘cause I heard your story man, and I hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did with your girl.”

-”Her name’s Jessa“ He clarified. “I don’t think we’ll last, we’ll probably have another fight, anyway; or she’ll leave me in a few months.” Adam speculated, his face squinting as he played with his almost empty to-go cup, looking at it like a brain-teasing puzzle.

-”Then why are you with her?”

“I don’t know……. Like at this point, I don’t know.”

-”Maybe you need time to figure shit out. You know, get some time for yourself and think on it.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Even left her to help Hannah raise the baby.”

-”I’m sorry, who? Pardon?”

-”My ex. Her name’s Hannah.”

-”Oh, her...Dude, if you left her for your ex to help her raise a kid, either you’re impulsive as fuck or...the relationship just plain isn’t that serious. Either way, think it over and you do you. If you need help or you’re feeling unstable; my phones on.”

-”Yeah, thanks.” Adam said, feeling grateful to know someone who understands his situation. That’s the thing about being a recovering alcoholic; people always treated him as if they have to walk on eggshells, not knowing what to do with you when you’re at a party, or fearing you’ll fall off the wagon after a bad day.

-”So what do you do anyways?” Josh asks happy to change the subject away from his own experiences and their shared issues.

-”I’m an actor.”

-”Anything I’ve seen?”

-“I don’t think so, I’ve been on Broadway too, but…”

-“Seriously? No joke?” Josh’s eyes light up in understanding, trying to get a good read from Adam’s confusing body language ”See, now it makes sense that you made a movie about your ex.”

-”Yeah, I called it ‘Disclosure’, and I don’t know if it’s any good or if it was fucking shiit.”

-” Well, show it to someone who’d know if it was good or not, then you’d know for sure. If it’s bad at least you still did something to put yourself out there.” 

-”I needed closure, I think.” Adam said while scratching his neck and fixing his hair out of his face. A nervous habit he developed when he was trying to figure something out, and if there was something that always confused him, it was his emotions.

-”But now I gotta see you perform man. See if you’re any good. Anything planned right now?”

Adam groans leaning side-to-side “Ugh! We’ll see. I’ve been looking. Did some auditions today, but I don't expect to hear from ‘em.

Josh waives his hand at him absentmindedly, his tone chill as he leaned back in his seat. ”Don’t sweat it too much, you just gotta hustle and see what comes your way. What do you do? Theater, movies, tv?”

-”I’ve done commercials, small parts in tv, movies too, but i started in theater.”

In an effort to cheer him up. Josh brings his arms forward with his palms up towards Adam. His tone was lighter, showing him there was a silver lining to his situation. “So you’ve gotten around, that just means you have experience. They’ll pick you, you’ll see. Just promise me that you won’t forget about us when you’re a famous actor winning Oscars left and right.” He said teasingly, making a sad face at him, causing Adam to chuckle before making the same face back at him and smacking him lightly in the arm. Eventually, they laugh at their own brand of weird silliness, both men feeling the connection and a new friendship.

Two hours had passed, eating good food while talking and laughing around in the coffee shop. It dawned on Adam that even though he and Josh had just met, their chemistry was so undeniable that it felt (and looked) like they’ve known each other for years. The two made quite a pair; Where Adam was intense and extreme, Josh was calm and went with the flow. He was the introvert and Josh the extrovert.

Both men ended up talking about life, relationships, and work, bonded over their shared condition Adam told Josh about Hannah, and his situation with Jessa. Josh on the other hand, told him about Vanessa and her family who still treated him awkwardly; this got them to comparing crazy family stories, turning it into some weird, fucked up contest. 

But all good things must end; and so they decided that it’s time to go home after exchanging contact information. Both men stand in front of the coffee shop window saying their goodbyes. “Hey man, the offer still stands; if you need anything or someone to talk to when you’re not feeling right, my cell is on and my door’s open. God knows a sobriety buddy doesn’t hurt.” Josh said, to which Adam nodded at him, eyeing the ground, hands in his pockets and hunched over. ”Yeah, Thanks. It’s been really nice hanging out with you. We gotta repeat this.” Josh smirks at him, nodding along. “You should come by mine and meet Vanessa for dinner or something. She loves to cook, so she’ll go all out.”

-”Yeah, we’ll see.” Adam responds, taking his right hand out of his pocket, reaching out towards Josh to shake in a friendly but stiff goodbye, thinking that this is how normal people say goodbye like. ”See ya, man. Take care!” Josh lets go of his hand and gives him a bit of a wave, as both men turn to walk in opposite directions.

——-—————-—————-—————-———

Despite dreading the thought of having to awkwardly interact with Jessa, Adam headed back to the apartment, taking the longest route possible while Josh’s story still ran through his head on a loop. _“What if things get so bad that I hit her? What if I’m arrested..again. It’s not like this is going to last. She won’t ever forgive me about the Hannah thing, and I just can’t. Maybe I’m looking for an excuse to get out? Fuck, probably!”_ The wind blew the warm July night air into his face. Adam runs his hands through his hair; his mind processing his inner monologue, not really paying attention to the world ahead of him.

“ _Are we really toxic though? I mean, what couple doesn’t fight, we all have our ups and downs' ' In_ his mind’s eye he can see their last big fight, how he broke the door, threw a bike at her, how she threw things at him and knocked his bookshelves over. _“Fuck!! But, what if he’s right? How do I know? Is she better off without me? Am I?”_ Like one continuous scene on a loop, he remembers how they trashed the apartment and how he grabbed her when she tried to get away from him, and how angry he was that he punched a whole in the bathroom door, finding her hiding inside, most likely scared of him, all of which resulted in raw, primal fucking. _“AAARGH Fuck it he’s right!!! It’s not fucking healthy. I could’ve fuckin’ hurt her”_ He takes a deep breath as he nears the building, standing just on the stairs of his stoop and looking up at his window before going in and climbing the stairs towards his floor.

It’s there again, that skittish feeling he gets when he wants to avoid confrontation. He hasn’t spoken to Jessa, not really; but with her, he has no way of knowing if their conversation will be good or bad. Yeah, they’ve had sex, but they’ve also had sex when they were fighting; and now looking back, it’s not like they ever fixed their issues to begin with.

Opening the door he notices that she’s on the couch, watching television from what he can see; a movie or something. Jessa glances at him and smirks a bit in her own way welcoming him home. “Hey, where have you been all day?” He looked at her, taken aback by the odd question, and chipper attitude not really knowing how to approach her. “An audition... it’ll probably go fucking nowhere. Fucking bullshit. Motherfucker took a call during my read.” He recounts slightly agitated as he remembers how Nathan just blew him off in favor of his phone. 

Jessa turns her body towards Adam, her hair in a bun with a tube top covering her breasts and shorts that didn’t even reach her thighs. “Well, then why do you want to work with them anyway?” She asks curiously her tone suggests that she knows, he knows where she was going with this. Getting up from the couch and making her way over to him, she puts her hands on her hips once she’s close to him. “Just keep auditioning, you never know. Or! You can write your own work like we’ve done. Look at that bloke, the, the...that guy with the movie in Mars…...Matt Damon! Look at him. He stars and wrote Goodwill Hunting with his friend, and he has an Oscar. Have you submitted the movie for the film festival yet?”

-”I’m not gonna submit it…. I don’t know if it’s good or if It was shit. I’m not gonna embarrass myself, before I’m sure it’s good” Jessa looks at him shocked. After everything, filming and arguing about the movie; he’s not gonna submit it?!!

-”Fine... be that way. I’m just saying I still think you could do it. All good artists think their work is shit, that’s how you know it’s good. In any case, they have to be crazy to not want to hire you.” She wraps her arms around his neck as she kisses him sweetly. “Yeah.” In response he places his hands on her waist like it was second nature, still accustomed to Jessa’s affection, before she takes him by surprise and she jumps up into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist; leaving him no choice but to support her so she doesn’t knock him down. 

Jessa places her forehead against his, reveling in the feeling of his body being close to hers; kissing him invitedly, sucking on Adam’s bottom lip as she lightly scratches his shoulders. He ended the kiss there and slowly let go of her legs until she touched the ground. Her hands still in his chest and she traces them down to his abs. She thinks he’s being cold towards her, but it was most likely just a passing feeling. 

_“We should be good though. He came back to me. He left Hannah and chose me….or..did she dump_ **_him_ ** _?”_ The thoughts take place as the seed of doubt in her mind is slowly taking root. She tries to blow it off, afterall, she’s not the jealous girlfriend...She refuses to be like that. “ _He’s probably just in one of his moods.”_ Jessa tries to convince herself otherwise, blaming it on Adam’s ever changing mood, but in the back of her subconscious, she feels something’s wrong. He lets her go completely and begins walking to the bathroom, his mind elsewhere and exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! so chapter 2 is out!! Basically I wanted to take these moments to grant Adam a moment of introspection. So it's a slow burner, I want his and reader's connection to feel genuine without feeling like Adam's just going from one girl to the next. Basically I want to give him growth.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you'd think, I'd love some feedback to see where I can improve or just to know your thoughts.
> 
> All the best  
> Selene R :^


	3. Strong Words, Small Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 3.
> 
> Adam goes to see and old friend for some help, spends some time with some friends, and gets some advice in the process.

**BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep**

The alarm sounds, signaling that it’s time to wake up and start your day. The high pitched sound reverberated in the dark room, getting more annoying with each passing second.

“Hmm!” You groan, eyes squinting shut, not wanting to give up the serenity that sleep granted you for anything in this world. “Ugh…” You turn in your comfy white duvet to see the clock’s display read it was 6:45 am in red, bold numbers. Hitting the snooze button with more force than needed, you wrap yourself in your sheet again.

_‘Ugh. Fuck, Why do I have to get up so early?!!!!!!! Let me sleep a bit longer.’_ you think as you hug yourself, resisting the fight still, but it was too late; the alarm clock had done its job and now you were in a bad mood until 11 am, at least. 

Stretching your body like a cat, you sit up to stretch your body further. Your hair is messed up from sleep, your face without make-up, your eyes sleepy still and your body in a simple raggedy band t-shirt that’s honestly like 4 sizes too big. 

Today was filled with a lot of work to; from meetings to sitting down with Jim and Annie to go through a round of callbacks for your latest project. _‘It’s times like these that make me want a day off.’_ Hesitantly, you move to get out of bed to start your daily Yoga session, while wanting nothing more than to just not start it at all.

_‘Whoever came up with this whole getting up early schtick was seriously disturbed’_ you thought as you put down your mat right beside your bed and then went to your nightstand to fish out the remote control you needed.

With a push of a button, your curtains slowly lifted up, revealing the early morning sunrise light, as you walked back to your mat and started to stretch into your positions. The smell of coffee being made wafts in from the kitchen as you try to start your day out on the right foot. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad.

————————

Now, fully awake, dressed, and ready for the day, you make your way into the office in manhattan. Bopping your head to the music coming through your headphones, you make your commute to work as tendrils frame your face, rebelliously wanting to escape the confinement of your ponytail; sunglasses protecting your eyes from the early morning sun, a white and black polka dotted top adorns your chest, it’s short sleeves ballooning on your arms as you carry your tote, it’s straps wedged on in the crook of your right elbow while a coffee occupies your left hand. A pair of black trouser cut shorts accentuate your figure, elongating your legs and giving way to a pair of kitten-heeled hot pink slingbacks. After all, you were nothing if not practical, so there better be a very good reason if you’re ever gonna go walking across manhattan in high heels. 

You finally make it, and right on time, walk out of the elevator and towards the clear glass doors where you can see the words ‘Belladonna Productions’ in the reception area as you go in. To anyone else it was just a typical day; Nadia was manning the reception desk, dressed in a beautiful orange dress, making her stand in contrast to her white and modern surroundings, people were walking around discussing business or gossip, but you didn’t have time to go see which. Today you were presenting some sketches for costuming for the latest play you’re working on; a 1970’s drama involving a war vet coming back home, directed and co-written by critically acclaimed director Jim Anderson. 

It’s not like you’re nervous to meet with him, the man doesn’t bite, if anything, Jim’s the quiet and focused type; and you’ve spent enough time working with the man in this project to sort of shed any unneeded decor and just get down to the nitty-gritty of your work. No, what you were nervous about is them approving of the sketches and the proposal; this is your third time going back to the drawing board, after getting all of Jim’s input, and now you’re desperately hoping that you’ve managed to translate what he envisioned onto the costumes. Hopefully, this could open the door to convincing him into working with you on another project again.

_‘And to think, that’s just the start of the day.’_ you think to yourself as you make your way pass your co-workers and enter your office. The windows wide and clean as it shows the city landscape outside, bringing in the light to bounce on the beautiful white walls; you find your glass desk organized with your markers, pens and pencils all organized by color family your papers categorized and your I mac sitting in the left corner with colored post-it notes taped to the bottom of the monitor. **‘DON’T FORGET!! Casting process for CALLBACK 1:30pm’** one of them read in clear sharpie. Reminding you that you had to go see the candidates for the next round of callbacks, Jim especially wanted her to see a particular actor that had auditioned. ‘ _Allan was it?’_

To the right wall, just beside your desk you, among fabric swatches and sketches, hung a whiteboard calendar framed in a beautiful chrome, with all your commitments and things to do, as well as a progress of the production timeline for the play. To the left wall stood two built- in bookcases filled with your go-to reference books and magazines with a flat screen tv takes its place mounted on the wall between them, while a modern yellow couch was filled with contrasting plush pillows and a coffee table with a vase of flower and magazines sit on the far wall, just under the glass window; inviting you to sit and relax whenever you needed a break, or when you were having intimate meetings.

All in all you were confident in today's meeting. _‘He better fucking like ‘em this time’_ you growled internally as you place your coffee in your desk, taking a minute to smell the beautiful bouquet of pink Carnations on your desk before pulling out your pink office chair. You move to turn your computer on, taking a moment to close your eyes and reset for a minute, letting off a deep breath before you open them. 

_‘Time to go to Work’_

——-—————-—————-————

Over the past 4 weeks things haven’t changed much with Adam, almost like his life is moving in slow motion, barely able to get anything done, if at all; still questioning whether he is still with Jessa because he loved her or if it’s just convenience. He fears that Josh and Frank were right. But what would that mean? Was he a bad person?

He needed advice, that much was fucking clear.

So he went to the only person who he thought could help him out. Even if it won’t be easy. 

Ray had always been his friend, helped him with his shit and gave him a place to crash when he didn’t have somewhere to go; he gave him refuge when he needed a space to work, when he needed space, and he was always worth listenin’ to.

It was around the start of his relationship with Jessa that he stopped seeing him. It’s not like Ray hated Jessa; at least, he didn’t think so. He’d basically moved out suddenly with Marnie, for six months. Well, his stuff was still in the apartment, so did he move out? _Fuck._ It wasn’t until afterwards when he came to move back in that Adam saw Ray for the last time. No calls, no texts. Hell, he doesn’t even know how he is or where he is. It’s like he disappeared from his life, and since he’s so chicken shit about these things he hasn’t reached out to Ray either, figuring that if he wanted to talk to him, he’d call, or maybe visit him in their apartment. 

And it’s not like he's unjustified here, if his memory serves him right, and it usually does, the last time they saw each other Adam was a real dick to him, if he was honest with himself; so he figured that Ray was probably still pissed at him. It’s very unlikely that he’d even be willing to see him, much less help him out at all. He can’t really blame him though, after everything. But still, he owed Ray an apology, he figured, even if he doesn’t want to listen to him. 

So now, determined to bite the bullet and reach out to him, he realizes that he doesn’t know where Ray moved to. It’s not surprising though, not really, considering how long it’s been since they last saw each other,so he figured to try the next best thing: Shoshanna.

——-—————-———————

Knocking on the apartment door, Adam starts wiping his nervous palms on his jeans, grasping the fabric like an over anxious child, desperately wanting to just walk away from this entire situation.

He didn’t have to wait long before the door opened, revealing Shoshanna standing on the other side, wearing a white color blocking t-shirt with a pair of nicely fitted jeans. Just by her expression and body language, Adam could tell that she isn’t happy to see him; not that that’s surprising. It’s not like they hated each other, but they weren’t exactly best friends either. He found Shoshanna’s inane droning too exhausting for that to be possible.

Shoshanna squares her shoulders, widening her stance just a bit more while keeping both hands on the door and it’s frame, denying him access inside.

“What do you want?” She doesn’t mince words, her tone is dry and merciless, as she looks at him, trying to determine his purpose for being HERE of all places. How does he even know where she lives?! 

“Uhh, hey….How are you?” He asks as he starts to shuffle awkwardly, looking around for an escape from this situation. Looking at Shoshanna’s intimidating stare, well, as much as a twenty-something’s stare can be scary

“I’m fine. Thanks.” She responded in a curt manner.

“...Is, umm, Ray here, or do you know where he is...?” He got right to the point, it’s not like she wanted to have a conversation with him anyway.

“And why would I tell you that? If he wanted you to know, you’d know by now, you wouldn’t have to ask me. Although, I doubt that he would, considering how much of a shitty friend you were. Seriously.” She barrages him with a hurricane of fast dialog as only Shoshanna Shapiro (soon to be Long) can unleash. Her voice is clipped and her tone is eerily calm, as if she is just trying to contain her anger from just drowning him in a tsunami of verbal lashings. 

It’s time to lay his cards on the table and come clean. No more pretenses. “ Look, I’m just-...” He heaves out a heavy sigh as he tries to be honest with her. To show her that he’s not here to be an asshole to their best friend. “I just came here to apologize to him.”

“For being an asshole, or for basically turning your back to him, and leaving him homeless when the girl he was in love with basically treated him like dirt and kicked him out?”

Adam winced at that, it’s not like it wasn’t true though. _‘Okay, I deserve that.’_ he thought as he nodded in understanding. “ Both.”

Shosh gave him one last hard look before opening the door to let him in. “He’s in the shower, getting ready to help me with my engagement party. But you can wait on the sofa, I'll tell him you're here.” She told him with disdain.

It wasn’t a long wait, but to him it felt eternal, as he waited to confront him. _‘Making amends is part of the recovery process. I have to do this.’_ he thought as he wrung his hands nervously; not knowing how this’ll turn out. 

It was then that he heard footsteps approach as he looked up and saw Ray walking over to him. His dark washed jeans contrasted with his coral-colored tartan short sleeved shirt as he stood in front of him. Eyes fixed, his arms were crossed over his chest, as he looked at Adam’s sitting figure.

Ray was not a man to mince words, even in anger. This time is no different; he was clear and to the point. “What do ya want?” he asks roughly.

“Hey, you look good. Look...um. can we talk?” he asks Ray.

Ray stretches his arms at his sides, making his point obvious. “We’re talkin’ right now, aren’t we?”

Shifting his eyesight over to Shosh for a minute, Adam took a deep breath before ignoring the screaming voice in his head and just getting it over with. “Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ‘ve always been an asshole to you. I’ve lashed out at you, and I turned my back on you when you came back after that bitch Marnie threw you out, even after you let me stay with you when I had issues with Hannah or when you let me crash with you after I broke up with Mimi-Rose.. I was a dick, and friends are supposed to me there, and I wasn’t. I’m sorry.” He ranted quickly, his eyes alternating between Ray’s face and the floor; his eyebrows up; eyes pleading him, making him look like an apologetic little boy rather than the 34 year old man he was.

Ray regarded him for a long minute, processing Adam’s words, seeing if they were even worth believing to be sincere before he said anything. 

He was an asshole, treating him that way in his time of need. Marnie had just given him a hell of an emotional bitchslap, and he was basically homeless, AGAIN. And when he comes back to his apartment, **after calling ahead** , what does he find? Jessa **naked** on the sofa eating **yogurt** , not giving a fuck that he was here, with this clown in his underwear, telling him he moved the furniture around for **sex reasons** ; His stuff **piled** into a corner. And he had the BALLS to laugh about it? 

You better believe he was fucking furious when he showed up as Shosh’s door, asking if he could stay with her, she of course like a true friend opened her door to him. It’s not like he **wanted** to live with Adam, don’t get him wrong, he enjoys his company. But **GOD** , his place was just awful and Jessa only made it worse! But it’s the complete disregard that set him off. There's no decency! None. 

He should just tell him off, he reasons; tell him to fuck off. “I needed a friend, and you didn’t care. I was there when **you** were going through shit. I’ve had you move in with me when you had nothing, I helped you; I even paid **bail money** for the both of you!.... And what do you do? Put my stuff, **my** possessions into a pile of shit! Leave it there in the corner with no regard, with no second thought of me. I should punch you in the face! I should tell you to fuck off. Fuckin’ Judas that’s what you are!” Ray’s barrage of hate filled words come out as if the dam of his emotions finally broke, unleashing all his past grievances and mistreatments. “You’ve no decency or any integrity.”

Adam sat there, absorbing all of Ray’s words, seeing how much he actually hurt him in the wake of his own stupidity. The worst part about it was that his words were all true, and he had nothing to say in his defense, and nothing to insult him back with.

After Ray was finally done with getting his resentment off his chest, he felt empty, as if he was exorcised of all the hardships that he went through because of him. He looks at Adam; his eyes still wide, his lips in a thin line, and he saw that he was sincere in his remorse, like a child being scolded strongly by his parents. In some ways he still behaves as if he is a kid.

His mind goes back to Shosh’s words about Adam being a dick, describing how Jessa had an incredible talent for ruining relationships. It was there in those wide brown colored eyes that he realized that Adam never had any malicious intentions towards Ray. In truth, he doesn’t think Adam to be a malicious person at all; misguided, maybe, even immature and self centered with a big heapin’ spoonful of dumb short-sightedness, but not malicious. It was then that he wondered how much of what he saw was Jessa’s doing, and how much was Adam’s.

Like a little boy that got wrapped up in the wrong crowd, Ray decided then and there to let go; to forgive, but never forget and let the water flow under the bridge as it will. 

“You wanna grab some lunch?” Ray asked with a slight smirk, thinking that maybe he can give him another chance.

——-—————

Outside the day is mostly sunny and pleasant, the trees rustle in the wind under the midday sun as passerbys enjoy the cooling summer’s end weather in conversation and leisure. 

There in a park bench, surrounded by what would be a pleasant afternoon, Adam recounts to Ray all that’s happened since the last time they saw each other, fully bringing Ray up to speed; including his little stint into almost falling off the wagon a few weeks ago, and how he’s struggling with himself right now.

Adam sinks further into the park bench as his mind races with conflicting thoughts. “What if being with Jessa isn’t good for my sobriety? Shit’s been fucked up lately. What if...I’m not good for hers, or we physically hurt each other, or we do something we regret, or... I don’t know…” His rant betrayed his frayed emotions, exhausted with the whole situation. 

Adam turns his head looking at Ray’s unimpressed face. “Okay, you’re drowning in a glass of water. Are things that bad?” Adam’s expression told Ray more than his words could, letting him infer what he was thinking. _‘Do you really have to ask such an stupid question?’_

“Okay, okay. I got it. Look, if you really feel she could be bad for your sobriety, and things are like you’re tellin’ me; my advice is to cut off the arm, before things get worse.” Ray reasoned to him.

“You don’t leave a relationship just because things are getting a bit out of hand, right?” Adam retorts.

“Adam, what the fuck is wrong with you? If you guys had a fight and it got physical, even if no one hit anybody, that’s still assault. That’s violence. Are you listening to me?! Now, I didn’t want to say anything about it, and I consider you my friend, do you consider me your friend?!”

“Yes.” Adam answered dead in the eye as Ray continued his lecture.

“Now, It’s not my business , but since I’m your friend, I’ll say it. Your last...what? Three relationships? They’ve been fucked up Adam, okay?!...I mean the most stable relationship you’ve had since I’ve known you was Hannah. Now that’s done and buried, right?”

“Yeah.” Adam nodded at Ray looking at him sitting beside him on the bench.

“And now you’re with Jessa, who’s a recovering addict; and she’s with you, a recovering alcoholic. And honestly?...Jessa is a very selfish person, and egocentric.” Ray stops and takes a drink from his water bottle, turning his head to look forward, correcting his posture a bit as he let his statement sink in. They were sitting on a bench overlooking the bridge. Water bottles lay beside them as they take some time after their lunch to talk and relax while they digest the gyros that Ray insisted they get. You can’t discuss deep life stuff on an empty stomach.

“Bullshit. She’s smart, she’s kind and, and understanding; she supports me and she’s funny.” Adam said defensively, lashing out for him to see his reason, making Ray put his hands up in defense.

“Look, I’m not saying she isn’t those things, or that she can’t be nice, but I’ve lived with her...on the extremely rare occasions she was at the apartment, and I know what she’s done to Shoshanna, and I’ve seen what she does to her loved ones. Now, she can change, and personally...I think she’s a beautiful, witty, charismatic mess, but if things are like what you’re saying and you feel like this, then I think it’s time to call it quits, buddy. What can I tell you?... Sometimes it’s sad to admit it.”

“Well relationships are work, and Jessa is my friend.”

“Relationships **are** work, but a healthy relationship isn’t violent, and she brings out the worst in you, by the way. It wasn’t my business, but you asked what I think, and I think it’s fucked up. And besides, you're the one that used to say that we shouldn’t stay with toxic people?” Ray explains to Adam in his grim, no-nonsense way, giving him an apologetic look; showing that he meant no offense. That’s exactly why Adam liked Ray so much, he was frank and to the point, without regard for his feelings; he could always count on Ray to give him an honest opinion. They’re alike that way, he supposed, but that’s why they’re still good friends after all this time. Their relationship is one based on camaraderie and silent understanding. Adam always listened to what he had to say; it’s what brought him here, to ask Ray for his take on the whole thing. Afterall, AA was one thing, but they only know his version of the story; Ray, on the other hand, has known them both since before he and Jessa got together. 

Lately, things have been weird with Jessa. At first, she was oddly normal, being patient and sweet to him while he waited for the other shoe to drop. It wasn’t until around 2 weeks ago that he started to notice that she started getting a bit clingy; sending him texts all day, sitting on his lap when he got home, even appearing on the set when he was working. Normally, he wouldn’t, he knew that he was being a bit cold towards her, but honestly he’s been feeling suffocated lately. ‘ _Maybe that’s why i’ve been wanting to just have a drink so fucking bad._ ’

“It’s complicated.”

“Look, you got together with Jessa after Hannah rejected you. You don’t think that maybe, you got together with her because you needed to fill the space Hannah left when she said no? Hell, I’m gonna say it. I think you got together with Mimi and then Jessa because you missed Hannah.

“What?”

“I’m saying man! I’m giving you a therapy session here, free of charge. That’s how good of a friend I’m bein’ right now.”

Adam sighs frustrated. Everywhere he turns to, it all points in the same direction ‘break up with Jessa’, but he doesn't want to see it. He hates the emotional confrontation; hell, it took a lot to do it the first time.

“And listen, I know it’s hard when you still care or have feelings for her, but you never know. I left the whole Marnie drama behind me because she’s toxic, I just didn’t realize or I didn’t want to admit it while I was in the drama. Now look at me, I got my shit somewhat together and managed to get the shops running smoothly, and then I met Abbi, who is a successful woman in her own right. I’m still good friends with Shosh and things are getting better bit by bit. It’s not perfect, but good enough. Now you know me, life is shit, but it’s not gonna get any better until you get up and do the work.” Ray explained, trying to get Adam to listen to him, to let him see that she’s not good for him, and if he’s unhappy, he can just get the fuck out. “So, if you wanna break up, break up. She’ll live, she'll move on; so will you. If you’re unhappy just go, I think you’re both fucked up and you need to get help. And maybe years down the line, after you’ve moved onto better things and so has she, who knows?...maybe you can be friends again” He said leaning back pensively, watching the trees as they rustled in the breeze while he spoke. 

Ray wasn’t a man of many positive words, if anything he's considered a pessimist by many, but ever since he met Abbi, sweet, beautiful and positive Abbi; Ray’s started to see things in a newer light. It’s not like he completely changed into a brainwashed optimist, but he can appreciate what he has; a beautiful building with an awful view. _‘Maybe it’s time to help him see it too’_ he thought. He’d known Adam for a few years now and while the man has always been weird, it’s clear that he needs the help of a good friend. “Now, can we talk about something else?”

“Yeah.” Adam kept staring forward, looking lost in thought as he processed Ray’s words. He exhaled a deep sigh as no other conclusion presented himself to him. 

_‘Fuck, he’s right.’_

And there it was: what he needed to hear but didn’t want to face. He’s been making excuses, he realized, in his attempts to be ‘a different man’, ‘mature’ or ‘stable’, he lost sight of his happiness and closed his eyes to all the bad things, those red flags that danced around him trying to get his attention. He’s been avoiding it like the plague; didn’t want to hurt her. _‘But we need time apart….. I need space.’_

“You should get out more often, and coming from me, that’s saying something.” Ray admonishes him, his inflections reflect an almost brotherly affection.

Adam’s obviously not listening anymore, too lost in thought; his mouth opens slightly as his mind tries but fails to find an alternative way. At this point, there’s no way out, he’s run out of excuses to not face what’s been in his face for the past 2 years. The truth that he and Jessa aren’t good together. Their whole relationship is this amalgamation of sexual chemistry, childish and unhealthy behaviour. Maybe everyone is seeing what he can't.

It’s one thing to hear it from a total stranger or hell, even from someone that doesn’t know her, but with Ray, Ray knows both of them; he’d actually known Jessa for longer than he does because he’d lived with Shoshanna back when Jess was still her “roommate”. He can’t hide behind the old excuses of jealousy or unhappiness, not with Ray; he knows he’s not that type of guy. If anything Ray’s been consistently a good friend and confidante...even when Adam didn’t provide this in turn.

_‘Fuck it’_ He thought with a deep breath, exhaling through the nose, as if the plunge that he was going to take was a literal one into deep dark water.

“Hey Ray, you know of any places opening up or available? Studio or one bedroom?”

“I could look into it, ask a few people. Why, you lookin’ to move out?”

“Yeah.” he answered, biting his lower lip at the thought of what he was going to do. He’s reached the edge and If that’s the writing on the wall, might as well face it, but he’ll have to be smart about it. He doesn’t want to hurt her, especially not after the whole Hannah fiasco, she deserved better than that. He owed it to her, and maybe to himself too.

He’s run out of excuses. So, what can he do? What IS he gonna do?

——-—————-—————-—————-———

Adam turns his key in the doorknob, effectively opening the door to their apartment. His mind somewhere else as he looked further in to find Jessa on her laptop, studying from what he could guess. Wearing one of his shirts along with a pair of shorts, her flaxen hair twisted up in a bun while thin gold hoops decorated her earlobes, she turned to face the door and smiled at him.

“Hey!” She greets him in a friendly way belying an air of aloofness about her, that to anyone else might’ve just been casual, but with Jessa, it was a shield; an armor piece to protect herself and misdirect from it.

“Hey.” He responds off-handedly. His mind, still debating what he should do, and if he’s making the right decision.

She shuts the laptops and follows him into the kitchen, leaning on the doorway, one hand placed on her right hip nonchalantly, eyeing him cautiously.

“So, where were you all day?”

“Out.” His response is quick and to the point, not wanting to let her know that he went to see Ray to ask him for advice, much less the fact he ended up asking Ray for help in finding a place.

“....I texted you, but you never answered.” She mentioned casually. The truth being that Jessa never felt like Adam truly came back to her. After they had sex, he barely even addressed her, much less talked to her. 

Feeling her twisting his arm, he decided to budge a bit. “I was hanging out with Ray.”

“Ray?.....Old man Ray?” She asked incredulously. Just what was going on with him? First he acts strange around her, doesn’t answer her texts and now he is hanging out with Ray, of all people. He was honestly so boring and domestic, and whiny. In truth, she never understood their friendship, Ray was such a traditional boring guy, never one for an adventure and he always killed the mood with his pessimism; unlike Adam who was fun, and weird, adventurous and spontaneous. Honestly, Jessa was glad to be rid of Shosh’s depressing ex when he came and took his things, leaving the apartment to them. “And...what? You couldn’t answer your phone for a minute?” Jessa’s voice tinged with sarcasm.

“Yeah well, we were talking. Why?” He tried to remain calm, downplaying the situations as much as he could, but the truth was that he was getting annoyed with every word she said. It's true that he’s been avoiding her, he knows she sent a text and he chose to ignore it; so he can’t really blame her for calling him out on his strange behaviour, but god dammit this interrogation is getting on his nerves.

“Nothing, it’s just that you couldn’t be bothered with me. Just like last week. It’s not the first time that you do this, I’ve noticed.”

“Yeah, I was in an audition. Okay? Do I have to check in with you for everything now?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, it would be nice to know where you are.

Their tones, like their moods, escalated further and further. He realized what she was doing; goading him into a fight that just really didn’t matter anymore. This time he took a second, trying to regain some type of control before he said or did something he’d regret. _‘I’m not gonna go at it with her. That’s it. I’m fuckng done! I don’t need this clingy shit either.’_

He scoffs at her, shaking his head before moving past her to walk away, not giving a shit at this point. He was just so fucking over this bullshit. This fucking song and dance.

“Where are you going?” She asks as she turns around following him with her gaze.

“ I don't have time to tell you everything I do or where I go all the time. I'm not going to do this with you right now, if you don't like it you can fuck off, okay?!” He tells her as he walks over to Jessa staring intently into her eyes. His voice showing frustration, and his posture make it seem like he's explaining something to a child. 

“Yes you do. We're in a relationship. That's what normal people do when they live together and when they're in a relationship. You’re just so fucked up that you don't even know what normal people do, or what a normal relationship is!” She explains, starting out calm and slow, the volume of her voice slowly escalating, as if it was the most of this thing in the world, like it was an obvious truth that he just didn't understand. 

“I’m not going to do this.” He said exasperated, pinching the bridge of his nose before throwing everything on the table to the floor. The loud smash reverberated through the space as he walked to the door, itching to break something else. It took everything out of him to not just throw something against the wall, or flip the dining room table over. It’s clear he had to get out of there, before he broke anything else, fearing what else he could do. 

“Where are you going?” She asked as he walked to the dining table, grabbing his keys before moving to the door and opening it, not believing that he's leaving her again. 

“Out!” He shouted before slamming the door between them.

Exasperated that he just left her mid conversation again (it was an argument Jessa, be real), after avoiding her questions only made things worse for Jessa. The poison in her body has been spreading, corrupting her thoughts towards suspicion, jealousy, and paranoia. Opening her laptop back up, she continues looking at the articles she was reading before Adam came in; they included things like how to tell if your significant other is cheating. After all if he left her for Hannah like she was nothing, what's stopping him from doing it again? Well she continues reading, she starts counting the similarities; how he avoided her questions, or how he was spent a lot of his time out, without her, and when he finally DID spend time with her, they were either having sex or he was acting weird around her.

She can't; she shuts the laptop again before her thoughts can spiral out of control, not wanting to believe Adam capable of leaving her. Deep down she knew he could. He left her for Hannah so easily, and this was without knowing that she was thinking about quitting school. It would prove everyone right, especially her sister. Is she just playing the same pattern? Are they right?

Studying to be a therapist gave her some tools and insight into what other people do, it helped her study them, read them, and see what they can see themselves. 

She sees Adam’s pattern; he swings from one girl to another. But she refuses to believe that their relationship isn't special. _‘I’m not Natalia, and I’m not fucking Mimi-Rose.’_ It's been a thought in her mind ever since they filmed their movie. That numb sense of insecurity; that foreboding sense.

She starts tearing up, gathering her legs, hugging them as she cries, all alone in their apartment. She refuses to let him see it; the heartbreak, the vulnerable mess he left. _‘Maybe I'm just too fucked up to help anybody. Hell, I can't even help myself.’_ She alway thought that they were meant to be, that what they had was special, something deeply passionate and special. Did Hannah feel like this? Right before the end?

The doubts start to enter her mind as she sees it in their bedroom across the hall, the mirror she was trying to avoid; her reflection looking back at her with a tired face and sad eyes that betrayed her loneliness. She’s been trying to avoid it, and with a practised ease she avoided it again. For all her talk about herself and the confidence she displayed, she never liked looking at herself into a mirror long, to face the things she’s done to her loved ones and herself. She’s tried to change, to get better, but is she? Has she learned anything?

No, the fantasy is better. It’s where she’d rather be, being with Adam; being happy. And now that he left Hannah, now that they’re officially and irrevocably dead and buried, it all became so clear to her. Like an epiphany just shown down at her. Hannah and Adam would’ve never worked out, but THEY do; Jessa’s the one that understands him, his pain, his passions, and his anger. Their time as friends shows that; she knew when he was unhappy, when he was sad, or when he was angry. She knew his body language and the weird and exaggerated movements he made. Just like he saw her, saw what she needed. He was sweet, and kind and patient with her. He saw past the bitch that everyone just looks at and sees her kindness, her spirit. He saw the sad, lonely little girl who wanted a friend; he saw her for how she was, not how she pretended to be, and embraced her with his strong arms.

In truth Jessa had never felt something like this before. At first she didn’t know how to react to it; she thought she cynically saw through the love bullshit that everyone fell for, but the more time they spent together Jessa felt this undeniable pull towards him; she wanted to spend time with him, be around him, and laugh with him. 

**He was her happiness, and she was his.**

The fighting will stop and they’ll be happy again. Who knows? Maybe now Hannah can finally forgive her and talk to her again. Now she can be his most important person, AND be her friend; to take Hannah’s place and for once be the center of attention.

These thoughts run inside her brain, grasping at straws for reasons to cheer herself up., desperately trying to forget about her ‘relapse’ where just a couple of weeks ago she had sex with a random stranger in a bar bathroom in the middle of the day. It didn’t matter, right? It happened and it was water under the bridge, it passed.

The apartment was quiet she noticed, empty of any presence aside Jessa’s as the space threatened to close in on her. The silence became deafening. There was no one else, but her, as her eyes started to bounce from one place to another, the stillness of it all turning her manic. 

——-—————-—————-—————-———

The air smelled like New York and the night sky didn’t help alleviate his mood. He had gone on a walk to cool down, god knows he needed it. At this point he’d do anything to not think or feel anymore. He just can’t think straight with her, nothing makes sense. He needed to get out. It was only by pure unconscious thought that he ended up in Josh’s street, or more specifically his stoop.

One of the tenants, an older man, was kind enough to let him in. Following the numbers on the doors he landed on his front door and knocked on it, his breath still panting as he recovers form basically running up the stairs to the 6th floor, his brow a bit sweaty from the exertion, as he waited for someone to come to the door. Footsteps can be heard from the other side before the door is yanked open, revealing Josh’s surprised face.

“Oh, hey man...” He greets Adam casually, but visibly confused by his visit.

“Hey.”

“You good?”

“Yeah, I was just around.” Adam explained, slowly shifting from side to side. His nervous gait and face made him look years younger than he was, almost child-like in his approach. Something was wrong and Josh could tell, he was awkward but this Adam’s nervous and shifty, not at all what his usual self is like. Fearing the worst, he came out and said it. “You wanna come in?” he asked pointing at the living room behind him with his thumb, gesturing inside, offering him not just entry, but an ear willing to listen. After all, how could he deny him a friend when it’s obvious he needs one? “Okay.” Adam responded quietly, making his way over to the door as Josh opened it further and stepped aside to allow him entry.

The apartment was a cozy one bedroom, filled with books about various topics, the walls were a creamy color, the color of parchment almost and there's a faint scent from a scented candle nearby that played with Adam’s nose as it mixed with the smell of something far stronger; it was food, he realized a moment later, something Italian, with melted cheese, cooking away in the kitchen, he figured. It’s the first time since he met Josh that he’s been here, and knowing him...this is sort of what he pictured his place would be like. To his left was the kitchen, a tiny galley one with white cabinets and a counter/bar to eat it, beyond it was a divider of sorts; white shelving filled with books and trinkets, dividing the living room from the dining area and the kitchen.

Josh walks inside with him after closing the door behind Adam. He eyes Adam’s walk and his posture to see if what he came here for is that bad. Years as an addict has made him paranoid of blackouts and drug trips gone wrong, not to mention the rare OD. He just hoped Adam hadn't fallen off the wagon. “I was just making dinner. ‘Ness is with her friends tonight, so I am netflix and chillin’. What’s up?” He asked as he made his way into the kitchen, as Adam awkwardly stood in the entryway for a minute, not knowing how far into the place was he welcomed to explore. He figured Josh seemed relaxed enough so he followed him into the kitchen, standing there in the doorway, placing his thumbs into his jean’s front pockets as he looked at the floors before turning, shaking his head, avoiding Josh’s gaze. ”Nothing.”

It was not nothing, but he guessed that he’ll have to coax it out of his mouth. Josh scoffed a bit at the thought of treating Adam like a little kid, but in some ways he still was. “Yeah well, you hungry? I made extra, in case ‘Nessa came home early. You want?” He explained while looking into the oven, checking to see if the food in the baking dish was sufficiently broiled. 

“What is it?” Adam’s deep baritone takes on a curious light as he looks at Josh, crouching on the floor, peeking inside the oven.

Josh closes the oven door before getting back up and adjusting his imaginary suit, puffing out his chest with pride as he did so; something Adam can’t help to chuff at smiling at his friend’s antic. “Lasagna. Now, I’m no chef, I’ll leave that to ‘Ness, but it IS pretty good, if i do say so myself.” His smile is playful, revealing Josh’s boy-ish nature, hoping that his little jest would make Adam more comfortable.

“uhh...Yeah, sure.” Adam responded, his mind still on what he wanted to talk about, not on dinner, but that can wait. If anything, Josh is actually helping him take his mind off of the whole Jessa thing, and it’s a good thing too. He’d rather not think of her at all if possible.

“Well make yourself useful. Grab the plates for me would you? This is just about done and you...are taller than me.” Josh explained, his attention still on the oven, not wanting the food to over cook. If there’s something he learned from ‘Nessa is ‘be careful when cooking in an oven’, but that’s just one of the hang-ups of dating a baker, he guessed. Getting the silverware and napkins ready, Josh gestured to a lost-looking Adam on where the plates were with a simple, “Far left, at the bottom of the first cabinet”. He had forgotten for a moment that this is Adam’s first time in his apartment. They’ve met for lunch, ‘Nessa even joined them once or twice, and he’s had a chance to go over to his place, even met the famous Jessa, but Adam’s never had the same courtesy of seeing how the other half lives, until now.

Taking the cue, Adam reached up and grabbed two plates, setting their places in the bar before Josh stopped him mid-placement. “Hey, hey, hey, woah. Dude, what are you doing? ‘Nessa isn’t here, we can just eat on the couch and chill.” His tone, not unlike that of absolute secrecy as Adam picked the plates back up and held them up to him, just as the timer started beeping, signaling that it’s finally time to take it out of the oven and dig in. He opens up the oven and takes the baking dish out, placing it onto the stove before removing the wrapped up tin foil covering it, letting out a cloud of steam that carried over the savory smell of meat and cheese rose from the dish, filling the apartment with the smell of a home-cooked meal, giving Adam a sense of yearning for comfort, to have something like this everyday. It’s not like they don’t cook at home, but he’s not the best cook and Jessa’s menu is severely limited, in fact, he’s the one that cooks at home.

Plates full, they sit on the sofa and start eating, Adam having a difficult time handling the hot plate as he does so. “Here.” Josh stretched, handing him a newspaper from the coffee table nearby with the intent that Adam’s plate doesn’t burn his hand while Josh uses his potholder for his own plate. “Huh? Oh,thanks.”

The men eat in relative amicable silence, the only sounds that could be heard were either coming from the television or from the pair sitting on the couch eating. To anyone else, the situation would’ve been uncomfortable, but the truth is that Adam didn’t want to say what he wanted to say, and Josh actually liked the quiet; something Adam could appreciate.

“I’m breaking up with her.” Adam suddenly blurted out in the middle of their meal. Wait whaa? Did Josh hear him right? “Come again?” he asked, maybe he needed to get his ears checked. 

“I’m breaking up with Jessa” Adam declared, his tone reflecting how unsure he was in his decision. _‘If he thinks it’s a good idea, maybe it’s worth doing, and it’s not just me.’_

“For real?” Josh asks, the expression on his face is still stunned, as he processed Adam’s declaration. He briefly wondered what exactly happened to trigger this. Had they been violent again? Or maybe worse. The pessimist in him could only imagine as a moment became two, before Adam noddly shakily before looking at the floor. “You win the award for best segway into a conversation, man. Seriously.” Josh said as he placed his plate on the coffee table, giving Adam his undivided attention.

“Yeah, things haven’t gotten better between us and today she did it again.”

“Did what again?”

“She started arguing about where I was, and I tell her to drop it, but she just keeps going at it. The last time that she did this she was going on about how I wanted to leave and then she talked about Hannah. I told her it’s over between us but….And I can’t; I knew this was gonna be another screaming match, so I said ‘Fuck it’ and got out of there.” Adam gave out a sharp exhale, feeling the tension leaving after going off on Josh. He just didn’t know what else to do. Ray and Shosh both agreed that they were no good, and they’ve known Jessa for years, but people can change, right? He’s changed, he wasn’t the same guy that he was eight years ago. He cared.

“ ‘m proud of you, man. You got out before things could get worse. At least you didn’t break anything, right?” 

“Nope.” Adam pouts slightly lying to his friend while shaking his head slowly as he does, arms crossed over his chest; completely sure of his statement. Well this was good news, at least it wasn’t as bad as Josh thought, at least. Josh raises his arms up and down towards Adam gesturing for him to see himself. “You’ve improved! The last time you guys fought, you ended trashing your kitchen and flipping the couch, again.” Josh’s uplifted tone showed Adam how much his friend was proud of him. 

He supposed that he should count it as a victory. AA has been doing wonders lately and the group therapy really helped him see things in his behaviour, like his trouble coping sometimes. It was Frankie’s words during his last session that made him think about coping mechanisms, and how he used sex to replace alcohol. “Yeah, well. It’s time for me to move on….It was never gonna fucking last anyway. It was passionate, and we had a connection...and she’s my friend, my best friend, but……”

Josh felt Adam’s apprehension, he could see that for him this WAS a big step, that he did have feelings for Jessa. But he saw what this was about, during the past weeks since he’s met Adam at AA, he had an idea of what his relationship with Jessa was, it wasn’t until he actually met her that his mind finally cemented what it was. 

Jessa was his security blanket, his coping mechanism and his friend, all under the guise of the girlfriend label that he put on her. From the moment Josh saw her, his mind had flashed back to Julie, just standing there in his kitchen smiling at him, her hair in a bun wearing her old shirts listening to music. And for a brief moment he felt sad; sad that Adam may suffer through the same sadness as he did and sad that he couldn’t see what was right in front of him. Now, it seems that he’s waking up, the spell from the Julies and the Jessas in the world running its course.

“You feel like you need to move on? Then follow your gut. If this whole thing had half as much drama as you’ve told me, I would’ve done the same, with both Jessa and Hannah. I mean she fucking blame you for losing her best friend! You know where I stand with that whole issue. She’s an adult, she knew what she was doing. If I was in that situation, ‘Ness would hate me, but she’d kill her best friend.”

“But she’s not a bad person, we just fucked up. But now, she’s fucking obsessed, feels guilty. Fuck it, I let go of Hannah, maybe it’s time to let go of her too.” Adam couldn't help but defend her. In his mind it took two people to fuck, and in his mind, he was just as guilty...maybe just as fucked up as she is.

“That’s fucking growth, man. My suggestion is; stick with it, learn to be alone for a while, to be happy with yourself. How long has it been since you were single?” Josh asks him, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

“Years.” is his simple reply, his eyes too focused on the stain on the coffee table.

“Then you’re due. Adam, we don’t face our demons, until we're good and alone, and we look into the mirror to find them. That’s when your sobriety’s tested. Why do you think you’re cut off in rehab?” Josh rummages through his fridge finding what he came for and swiftly closing it before walking back into the living room. “Getting better is about learning to live with yourself and to love yourself. I learned that in a little stint in rehab.” Josh finished silently offering Adam a soda by handing the bottle on his left hand.

“Which one?” His comeback is full of cheeky sass. He knows a little about Josh’s multiple rehab stays trying to get better, then relapsing. He even knew about how Josh cheated on Julie with another girl who ended up OD-ing. Adam takes the opened bottle offered and takes a swig, as Josh sat back down.

“All of them. It’s just hard to put the lesson into practice. By the way, I didn’t see you at the last meeting.”

_‘So he caught that.’_ “I’ve been busy auditioning, trying to figure shit out. How’s ‘Nessa?” He asked, hopefully shifting the subject of the conversation from his absence in the last AA meeting. Last week, he had actually been busy looking for an apartment to hopefully move out, Ray had given him a few places to look at that were relatively still in the same area. So he called and went to check ‘em out; still unsure during those walk-throughs, finding every bad thing he could about the apartment, secretly not knowing if he was doing the wrong thing. Delaying the inevitable, really.

Josh visibly relaxed at the thought of Vanessa, his body was tired of going through their most recent issue. “ She’s good, all things considered. Her dad visited her last week, and they had this huge fight about how she’s wasting her time and her life. Long story short; they fought, she cried.”

“Motherfucker.” Adam’s reaction was immediate and visceral. He couldn’t help it though, ever since he met Vanessa they’d hit it off right away, and he’s come to see her as a little sister ever since; laughing and joking around; she was the kind of sister that was sweet and sassy and the kind that you wanted to protect from all the bad things in the world.

“In any case, she’s with her friends tonight, which gives me a break from playing the perfect boyfriend.”

Adam chuckled a bit at Josh’s remark, remembering when he’d tried to do the same. Neither of them perfect by any means.

“Vanessa shouldn’t listen to him, she is a nice person. Okay? And she has a career….so he can fuck off.” True, he’s only met Vanessa a few times, but on both occasions, she was nice to him; offered him food and sometimes made him uncomfortable with how affectionate she was. He’s not a big fan of hugs from people he barely knows, but there was something so sweet and disarming about her that made her endearing.

Josh simply shrugs, having already gone through this with her. “I told her the exact same thing, but she’s gotta realize that on her own, I guess. We all have family issues, anyway.”

_‘Tell me about it.’_ Adam shakes his head, fully aware of how fucked up family issues can be. Hell, if his family was any reference, he’s basically an expert on the topic. “Yeah.” Thankfully, if there’s a silver lining to that shit show, it's that his relationship with Caroline has improved in the last few years, if only by a bit. Especially now that she sought out help and got medicated. Now she seemed normal, as normal as Caroline Sackler CAN be.They still fight and bicker, but that’s his sister, and he’ll always look after her.

“Speaking of family, you got a sister, right? I think you told me.”

“Yeah, Caroline, but she’s crazy as fuck.” Josh laughs at this, imagining what Adam’s sister might look like, but coming up short with just a mental picture of Adam with breasts.

“That’s usually how it goes.”

“No, she’s crazier...trust me.” Adam said, staring at Josh in the eyes. Josh on the other hand, just waves his hand vaguely in the air, not taking Adam’s words to heart. “Hey man, people are weird and crazy. I just accept it.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re too easy going. You don’t confront people.”

“Heeey! I just live and let live. Doesn’t mean i’m not willing to fight. I just think confrontation is a last resort...like you”

“So what, you’re gonna be a fucking pacifist?” Adam looks at him with incredulity, teasing his friend sitting right beside him.

Josh props his feet on the coffee table, stretching and putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. “ Yup. I intend to have you do all the fighting for me. That’s why you’re my boyfriend.” He turned to look at Adam, throwing him a smirk making fun of his reaction. “You fucking dick!” Adam shouts before he tries to hit Josh upside the head, but he dodged it at the last minute. 

The pair started to play fight until it became a competition to see who could hit whom.

In the background, the front door opens, and in through it walks in Vanessa. Her five foot five frame was dressed in a magenta blouse, coupled up with a pair of high-waisted back sequined palazzo trousers. Her hair, a beautiful auburn shoulder-length loose curls, serving as a curtain that hides her boyfriend horsing around with his friend. She places her keys on the small table beside the door with a smile on her face.

“Hey!” She greets off-handedly, not knowing she had a visitor until she turned around to see Adam on top of Josh, while Josh’s hands are in the air, holding his friend’s forearms, fending him off with a foot on Adam’s abdomen.

‘Nessa’s face turned to one of confusion as she cleared her throat, capturing the men’s attention and causing them to stop their play-fighting. “Did I interrupt something intimate between you two lovebirds? Do you want to be left alone?” she asked with a knowing smirk. It’s not everyday she comes home to find two men in their thirties playing/wrestling like teenagers on a sofa. Josh smiles guiltily at Vanessa, his face resembling very much like a little kid who got caught with his hands inside the cookie jar. “Hey babe, how was your night?” he asked her casually, trying not to make much of his current position.

“It was fun, although, not as fun as yours, I think.” she replied, not being able to help herself from teasing her boyfriend further. 

All jokes aside, she was happy to see him like this. Despite his casual demeanor and Laissez faire attitude, Josh has been through a lot, and although his easy going persona doesn’t readily show it, she knows that he still lives with the sins of his past, and struggles everyday with his present. She’s just grateful that he and Adam found each other, it’s good that he found a friend who is not only a recovering addict, but that’s also a little kid in a man’s body, like his beloved. To see Josh with an honest smile on his face, looking like the sweet little boy she’s seen only in pictures and in small moments; it’s like a breath of fresh air that made her heart flutter in joy for him.

“Not you too! Don’t encourage him!” Adam pipes in, causing Vanessa to giggle at the dramatic desperation in Adam’s voice as both guys separate, each one retreating to the opposite end of the couch. She takes this opportunity to round the sofa and lean down to kiss Josh in greeting, before heading over to Adam’s side, giving him an overly affectionate kiss on the cheek to greet him; something that made him uncomfortable with Josh right there, but he knew she did it on purpose, he knew she liked to tease and joke with him. She sometimes blatantly sat on his lap, just to see if she could rile him up (all in good-nature fun, of course). It’s not like he had any feelings toward Vanessa, but still, he hadn’t known them for that long, so he worried about Josh’s reaction to his girlfriend’s familiarity with him. If anyone else saw them, they’d think that Vanessa was having an affair with Adam; which is a very good thing that Jessa hasn’t seen them like this. After the whole Hannah thing, he’s found her to be more attached, more clingy...well, clingy by Jessa’s standards, and prone to more bouts of insecurity and jealousy. He hasn’t done anything nefarious to provoke her or to make her think he was cheating on her, but after all this time living with her, he saw her subtle reactions all the same; regardless of whether she tried to hide them or not. 

“Hi sweetie. I didn’t know you were coming over.” ‘Nessa ruffles his hair playfully, taking every opportunity to run her hands through those gorgeous locks of hair, ‘cause as much as she loves Josh, he can’t pull off hair like this. Lmao. “ I was just in the area and dropped by.” was his casual answer, as if just hours before he wasn’t walking furiously all over Brooklyn in a desperate attempt to calm down.

“Did you eat?” she asked worriedly, unable to help mothering him in any little way that she can. Whether it was because of her familial upbringing or just because Vanessa was a cook at heart, she always made sure to offer her guests something to eat.

Josh rolled his eyes at her question. ‘ _Here we go again’_ he thinks, already used to Vanessa’s quirks and homemaker tendencies. She’s not Martha Stewart by any means, but just try and stop her from making a meal and trying to make you feel right at home; Josh certainly wasn't gonna try. “ Don’t worry ‘Ness, I fed him. I’m not a complete lost case.” Vanessa just scoffed at his words, expressing that she doesn’t know how right Josh’s claim is. “Thank god for that.” her tone is snarky as she rolled her eyes back at her boyfriend. “ Anyway, Michaela asked about you, Jay. She’s dead-set on you being buddy-buddy with Ethan. Don’t ask me why.” She tells Josh, sitting on his lap, her tone exasperated at having to broach the subject to him, but she might as well get it over with. 

Josh rubs his eyes while Vanessa raises her hand to run her fingers through his hair, caressing his curls in an effort to calm him down. “Why the fuck does she keep insisting? We're not gonna be friends! Just leave it at that!” Josh groans at her before looking towards Adam and seeing his confused expression as he tries to follow their conversation, clearly not knowing who they’re talking about and feeling like he’s intruding on a private moment. He might as well explain it to the poor guy. “Vanessa has this friend: Michaela. She’s one of those pain in the ass, bratty girlfriend types. Anyway, she is **set** on me being friends with her fake enlightened, Kombucha drinking, Kale eating, Namaste saying bro of a boyfriend. All based on the fact that she thinks that we since our girlfriends are friends, we have to get along. He’s pretentious and fucking egocentric. I don’t have to be his friend, but why does she keep on insisting? I don’t know, maybe it’s because she’s a rich brat who hooked up with a typical L A guy with money and wants to show off.” Josh ranted tired of hearing the same thing from Vanessa’s friend. 

Honestly, it’s not like he didn’t try. He’s met Ethan before, tried to have a conversation with the guy to see what he was about. But all he found was this sad ‘entrepreneur’ who hid behind his dad’s money. Along the way Josh also found certain intimate tidbits as well, like how Ethan used to be a cocaine addict turned meth head who’d put even the carpet lint in his body if it got him high; he also found out that he’s seeing another girl on the side, but he IS NOT gonna get into THAT mess by telling ‘Ness about it, he’d rather things go along as they would naturally would.

Seeing that his rant only got him even more agitated, Vanessa pulls on his hair a bit to get his attention. “Gochi, calm down. That’s just how she thinks. You’re not the one she rants to about this. And besides, I’m not gonna force you to be friends with anybody..unless it’s necessary. Just promise me the same.” She consoled him patiently, her words showed that support was intended in every word.

Adam took a minute and just looked at them. He couldn’t help but think that that’s exactly what he wanted, someone who understood him and consoled him, someone to console back. Or at least someone to not trash his apartment with. “Hey at least ‘Ness doesn’t force you to do anything. Hannah would bug me all the time about her friends, especially fuckin Marnie. She’d say shit like it’s because we’re life partners, or whatever, and then she’d basically force me to hang out with them, even though I didn’t want to and I wasn’t remotely interested in anything they’d have to say. It was one of the nine circles of hell...sitting at a dinner table and hearing these girls just talk on and on about their life and mind-numbing thoughts. I didn’t force her to hang out with my friends.”

“Yeah man, but one night isn’t forcing a friendship. She repeatedly insists that I hang out with the guy. I just fucking disappear” Josh retorted, hearing Adam’s rant about this Hannah girl’s friends. It’s not the first time that he mentions her to him, but he hasn’t had the chance to actually meet her in the flesh, at least he doesn’t think so.

“I swear, there’s a room in hell and it's dinner with them, just talking nonsense!” Adam continued his rant, his hands are outstretched, shaking to emphasize his point as he vented to his friend, commiserating in their mutual torture. ”It’s like you can feel your brain cells actually dying; one, by one.” 

“Thank you!” Josh exclaims, his hands clapping as his eyes widen at Adam’s words. Vanessa just chuckles at their drama queen theatrics, understanding, but ultimately feeling sorry for them. “Finally, someone on my side who gets it.” 

Josh’s words cause Vanessa to stop chuckling and look at him offended. “Hey buddy! I’ve never forced you to do anything with anybody that’s not family, and you’ve never even met my family; so do the math.” She lightly smacks him in the shoulder. “Thank god! Although, in all honesty, we probably would’ve broken up if you did.” his eyebrows go up and down, teasing her, hoping Vanessa will rise to the challenge; and just as expected, she doesn’t disappoint.

“Oh, that’s how it is?!” Her tone sounded like dramatic indignation, but it was all in good fun, for Josh’s sake.

“Yeah. I mean, do you think I’m with you based on your looks?” Josh replies with a smile, his eyes bright as he looks at Vanessa as if she’s the only thing in existence that matters. In truth, he doesn’t know what he’d do without ‘Nessa; what he would do without her laugh, without waking up to her snoring in the morning, without the sound of her voice as she went on about how work was, or how she scrunched up her nose when she was deep in thought. 

She places her hand on her chest in mock hurt at his betrayal as she dramatically shoves him away as she gets up from Josh’s lap. “Are you saying you think I’m ugly? Is that how this is?! Fine, I’ll just go and be with Adam then.” She huffs in Josh’s direction moving to sit on Adam’s lap; his right hand moves to her waist to steady her while his left hand is in the air in a futile effort to lean away from her and the patented ‘Nessa drama. Vanessa puts her left arm around his neck, effectively trapping him within her arms as she gives Adam a puppy dog pout, batting her eyelashes at him. “You’ll take care of me, right Adam?” she asked expectedly.

“How did I get roped into this?” Adam’s eyebrows shot up into his forehead, his hands up in a peaceful gesture, not wanting to get in between the pair, but realizing that it’s too late. “Because you’re the child in this divorce, obviously.” Ness replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Adam’s expression deadpans. “ Eh he he he. You keep me the fuck out of it.” he said in a patronizing tone; something that Josh can’t help but snigger as he watched the two argue until soon enough, ‘Nessa breaks character and starts laughing too. 

The atmosphere becomes lighter as Adam can’t help but join their silliness. His face breaks out in a boyish smile showing his crooked teeth as the outer corners of his eyes crinkle and shine in laughter; hugging Vanessa close to him as she kisses his forehead and hugs him back with open affection. Adam can’t help but think that Josh and Nessa looked like one of those couples that were perfect together; like those people you couldn’t imagine being apart. “You’ll stay with me then.” he mumbled into her abdomen, conspiring with her, teasing Josh on purpose.

“Betrayed by my own friend.” Josh complained incredulously, miming a stab to his heart as he said so. It wasn’t long after that the pair separated. Vanessa kissed Adam on the top of his head before ruffling his hair one last time. “Okay my lovelies, I’m gonna go shower and take the lovely fragrance that is ‘lady’s night’ off of my skin. You boys have a good night.” she said before going to leave a kiss on Josh’s forehead.

Adam stretched, his back popping as he did so. “Yeah, I should go. I don’t wanna get in the way of you guys.” Adam groans awkwardly, his demeanor and tone betray his apprehension in leaving, but also not wanting to overstay his welcome.

The couple look at Adam thoughtfully; they know why he doesn’t want to leave, and it’s one word: Jessa. They’re aware of Adam’s issues with Jessa, how they started and how they fight. Vanessa didn’t want to butt in, she didn’t think it was her place, especially since she doesn’t personally know her, all she knows is what Josh had told her. Still, over the past 2 months Vanessa has warmed up to Josh’s friend from AA, to the point where she sees him as a brother; so sue her for getting defensive of him. One thing was clear though; they would destroy each other. _‘They’re just replacing their addictions with something else; each other, or at least the high they get from each other.’_

Josh on the other hand, already knew that he and Vanessa were already on the same page, on the topic of Adam & Jessa, and while they wanted to yell at him to leave her, they didn’t. It just wasn’t their place.

Unlike Nessa, Josh had a chance to meet Jessa, and going by how Adam talks about her; she was smart, beautiful, a real pistol. But she was a newly recovering addict, it’s just not smart to start a relationship when you’re still less than a year in recovery. Two addicts rarely work together, but at this point, they were just plain co-dependent. 

Josh gives Nessa a brief but pointed look, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth, prompting her to speak. “ You’re not in the way. Besides, it’s late, it’s dangerous; you’re staying. The couch pulls open, I’ll get you some sheets, and you **will** spend the night.” she said sternly, he tone leaving no quarter to argue.

Adam shuffled from side-to-side, running his hand through his black locks, fixing his hair; more than anything it’s a compulsion he gets when he’s anxious. “No, I should go.”

“You sure?” Ness asks gently, looking into Adam’s eyes, trying to see if he’s lying to make them feel better.  
  


“Yeah. don’t worry, I’ll be okay.” he moves to give Vanessa one final hug, lifting her in his arms, trying to ease her obvious worry. He sets her down to see her give him a childish pout “Fine. I don’t like it, but be careful, and text us when you get home.” He returned her pout as his lower lip juts out, lowering his face to come level with hers, looking at Vanessa right in the eye as he conceded to her orders. “Fine.” he mumbles in answer before giving her a smile. Vanessa kissed his cheek goodbye, prompting him to walk to the door, Josh following him behind, taking a moment to say his goodbyes there.

“Hey man, door’s always open.”

“Thanks.” Adam said, gratitude at the offer in his voice.

“ ‘night” he bid to his friend before he shut the door.

——-—————-—————-—————-———

That night Adam took the longest route possible towards his apartment possible, not wanting to face Jessa, or feel the guilt of hiding how he felt and that he wanted to break up. In the past, he would’ve just come out and said it, but that particular method has left him homeless more times than he cared to admit. This time’s different, he’ll wait until at least he’s got a place to go.

Does that make him a bad person, if he waits until he finds a new place? Should he just come out and say it? But then he’d end up either looking for a place to crash, AGAIN, or he’d have to stay there until he can leave; and that's assuming she didn’t kick him out.

He’ll wait just a little longer, he decided. Procrastinating the one thing he never wanted to do. Asking himself if he was leading her on, by not saying it right away. She had to know things weren’t okay with them at the moment, so is he lying to her?

When he finally gets back, he finds the apartment quiet and surrounded by pitch black darkness. The only light coming through the bedroom where he can see Jessa asleep, in their bed; bathed in the lights coming through their bedroom window, her back to him as she slowed her breathing, pretending to be asleep. Both unwilling to face the other and communicate. It moments like these, when she was peaceful and her face showed only her girlish beauty, that made him second guess himself. 

But there’s no turning back. For a brief moment he came out of his body and looked at them; sleeping beside one another, her back facing him, and he saw it. The simultaneous distance and closeness that they shared; he saw their whole relationship in one single vivid image.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry because his life is a goddamn emotional rollercoaster, because he lost Hannah, because he just can’t get his shit together, and now because he may lose another good friend, and it breaks his heart that this is something that he has to do.

Before falling asleep, he took one last look; in his mind he said what he didn’t dare verbalize just yet. To tell her he’s sorry...for everything, to tell her that he still cares for her, that he’s still her friend, and that he’s sorry he wasn’t brave enough to do this before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's chapter 3. It's longer than I expected, but it sort of sets the stage. Adam as a character is a resolute person, but he's a bit of a coward when it comes to confrontation, making him a bit wishy-washy. But it's in this chapter that he mends the fence with Ray and despite what people think, Adam really takes Ray's words to heart. He's a character known for his candor, so he figures that if Ray says it's bad...it's bad.
> 
> We finally got to meet the reader!! :) I also left some hints as to how she and Adam will meet.   
> We also got to meet Josh's significant other; the lovely Miss Vanessa and we got to see them interact. I really wanted Adam to start forming a family, one he can count on but will also call him out on his BS.
> 
> Chapter 4 is already in progress and will finally feature Adam and Jessa's break up, and will also include the reader more.
> 
> So let me know what you guys think in the comments, i'd love to hear your feedback.


	4. The Big Sweep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter where Adam finally has the guts to leave Jessa; the big break up ensues.

It’s been a week of secret apartment hunting and script reading for any new possible project, but his efforts finally bear fruit. ‘ _Fucking Ray. Thank god he came through’_ Adam thought as he was one the line of his favorite deli just a few blocks away from his apartment. He shifts anxiously as he rehearses in his mind what he wants to say to Jessa when the moment comes.

‘ _Jesus. Fuck’_ He fixes his hair fidgeting (well dreading, really) the confrontation to come. Her clinginess hasn’t stopped in the least, wanting to go out together, stay in together, have sex in their old haunts; she’s even been texting him more frequently. It’s not that he didn’t like the attention (or the sex), but Jessa’s always been aloof, and independent. If anything, Adam is the clingy one; things used to be so easy before but this change in dynamic was a bit jarring to him, to say the least. 

_‘She’s just making things harder’_

He was a thousand miles away when he finally sat down, and in true Adam fashion, he doesn’t eat, so much as he scarfs down his meal; six eggs (four of them just the whites), and two slices of turkey bacon. It’s while drinking what’s left of his coffee that his phone alerts him of a new incoming text. Fishing it out of his pocket and saw that he had three texts; two from Luke, letting him know that he got the callback for the Jim Anderson play with the details of where it’s going to be, the other asking if he had finished reading another script that he’d sent him.

 _‘Yesssssss!!’_ He cheered on the inside, holding in his urge to scream it out loud. Finally! At least some things were looking up.

The other text was from Jessa, making fun about one of her classmates, with a rather mean spirited snarky remark.

He scoffs a bit after reading it, her smarmy wit coming through her words. It's moments like these that remind him of their friendship, and their shared chemistry. The thought only served to churn his stomach, bringing to the forefront of his mind what he’ll tell her.

_‘ “Look Jessa, I’ve been doing some introspection lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re better as friends and that I need some time apart” Too formal? No….Shit! “Jessa let’s be real, you would’ve left me in a few months anyway, so I’m doing us both a favor” ..’_

“Motherfuck!” He hissed under his breath.

He looked at the time in his phone and got up. He has to get going, not wanting to be late to meet his building manager.

———-—————-——————-—————-———

The building itself wasn’t too far, it was still in Brooklyn, not like he could afford anything more upscale, and even then, rents in the boroughs were outrageous; gentrification saw to that. But for all the artisanal ice cream boutiques and organic green tea, there’s a charm in Brooklyn that has captured his heart; for now, this was home. This place has seen his loves and loses and has seen him at his worst and at his best.

Adam walks up to the front steps where a woman is sitting on the stoop, seemingly waiting; looking at her phone as she does so. She looks up and sees him in the eye, causing him to look away awkwardly to avoid her thinking he was a creep or something, but her gaze was more curious than anything.

She tilts her head sideways to get a better look at him. “Adam?”

 _‘Do I know her? Oh fuck, have I fucked her?’_ he thinks, his mid going through the roster of girls to see if he knew her from somewhere. “Yeah?” he asked cautiously after his mind came up blank. He doesn’t know her....at least he thinks he doesn’t know her.

“I’m Jaime. I’m the building manager? My dad probably told you about me when he showed you the apartment.” She explains, hopefully jogging his memory, as she gets up to face him.

“You’re Jaime?” He asks, taking a good look at her. Her hair is long and dark up, reaching up to her waist; her body, clothed in oversized jeans and a black tank top, is skinny but not too skinny as to make her look malnourished, her complexion is dark, coupled with deep brown eyes, a wide nose full glossy lips and a beauty mark above her left eyebrow.

“Yeah, were you expecting anyone else?” she smirked haughtily at him, making him to quickly reply out an answer to avoid any embarrassment.

“No! I just thought that I’d be meeting your dad.” he corrects himself and holds out his hand to shake her hand in greeting. She responded in kind, extending her hand to shake his. Her hand was adorned by wide silver rings in her fingers, her nails were decorated with an orange nail polish that was mostly chipped away.

“He got held up, asked me to do it. Legally I can, as the building manager. So, you ready to sign?”

“Uh, Yeah.” he answers her as she gestures for him to follow her, leading him up the stairs to what will be his new apartment.

Climbing three flights of stairs, standing in front of a door marked ‘3A’, Jaime places the key in the lock and opens the door before gesturing for him to go in. 

The apartment itself was big, or big for New York standards, at least, It was a one bedroom apartment, complete with a separate living room, the bathroom was down the hallway, and with a small kitchen right next to what could be converted to a small dining room. It suited him. The apartment was eerily reminiscent of the one he lives in now, the most remarkable difference is that the kitchen has a separate countertop for a bar, not to mention that the living room was roomier, with a tall window providing the space with a good amount of natural light.

It was thankfully in his budget, and that’s what mattered to him the most, nevermind the fact that he basically found an affordable apartment with this much space; which to be clear, is nothing short of impossible.

The pair start to walk into the empty living room space. “You’re lucky you were able to snag this place. We haven’t gotten the word out yet, or anything about this place. So you got the exclusive first look.” Jaimie mentions as she walks to the kitchen counter, grabbing the papers and the pen.

Not knowing how to respond to her and him having his own special brand of social skills , Adam just answers with a simple “Yeah.”

“If anything you’re lucky you know Ray, being on the city council makes you meet a lot of people in the community; and stick-in-the-mud Ray knows a lot of people.” She smiles at him.

“Yeah well we’ve been friends for a while, now.” He replies to her with a polite smile back.

“Yeah. Anyway, this is the contract.” Jaime changes the direction of the conversation to the issue at hand, sliding the contract file in his direction with a pen in her hand.

“Sign here, and here….I need initials here.” She directed him as he started to sign the papers, trying to keep up with her quick directions.

Once it was finished, she handed him a stack of papers. “Okay, so this is your copy of the lease, and these are your keys. Heads up.” She dangled the keys before throwing them in his direction for him to catch, moving towards the exit to leave to the privacy of his new place. Stopping at the door, Jaimie looks back to face him as he turns around to face her.

“So you already know my name. Rent’s due on the first. If you need anything, my apartment’s on the first floor; apartment ‘1B’. If you need me but I’m not in, just slip a note under my door. ‘Kay? Any questions?”

“Uh, nope.”

“Then it’s a pleasure to meet you Adam Sackler. Welcome to the building.” With that she gave him a small smirk and waved goodbye, shutting the door behind her on her way out; leaving him alone with his thoughts in his new apartment.

It’s official now, he can’t put it off anymore. He’s following the advice Ray gave him; hell, even Josh said it. Here, in the emptiness of his new space, in the bright white light of day, he finally sees what he’s been avoiding for **so** long.

He loved her, he cared for her, but was he ever **in love** with her?

He was just as quick to get back to her as soon as he realized that things with Hannah wouldn't work out. He quickly left Jessa once he found out that Hannah was pregnant and…. _’I don’t know.’ ‘Maybe I’m with her ‘cause it’s easy...I’m so fucked up!’_ Adam furiously scrubbed his face with both hands, breathing deeply and exhaling through his nostrils.

Alone, in the middle of the empty apartment, bathed in the light from the windows, he knew. It was just like that time; **he knew** what he had to do.

It was time to rip the band-aid off.

———-—————-———-—————-——————-—————-———

Later in the day, after doing a few errands he had to do for the new place, Adam was standing outside of his (old?) apartment building. Looking at the window of the apartment, he takes a deep breath, gathering his bravery to face the situation.

He makes the journey up the stairs, and opens the door. The apartment is empty, judging by the hour, Jessa’s probably still in class. Taking advantage of the circumstances, he starts packing up his things; his mind making a list of the things to take with him . 

_‘My clothes, books. It's a good thing I don’t have a lot of stuff. I can buy food, and I already got a bed taken care of. I’m gonna have to come back for my work out stuff, my weights and the bench at least.’_

Little by little Adam starts to take his favorite things, taking his time to consider what to leave behind. A practice he’s by now well-used to.

The front doors opens and in walks Jessa, her hair in a bun, wearing a loose red tee shirt with denim blue high waisted jeans, the bags in her hand suggest she bought something.

“Hey you in?!” Her voice rings through the small apartment, reaching Adam’s ears, causing him to freeze, inwardly flinching in anticipation of what’s to come. _‘Time to face the fucking music. *sigh*’_ He moves out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to find her putting things away on the fridge.

“Heeeeeey.”

“I brought some groceries since the fridge was empty.” she told him casually, her head buried inside the refrigerator as she took things from the bag and placed them inside.

“You have a good day?” His stance is awkward, his hands behind his back as he debated on how to best start the conversation; break it to her while hoping to god that she takes it well.

“Not bad, Nancy is a fucking cunt, but that’s just her. Either way…” Jessa approaches him, pulling him for a kiss, smiling as she does so “She’s just irritates me, so...how was your day?” Her hands run through the familiar course of his chest sweetly. A small shrug moved his shoulders nonchalantly as he looked at her. Was this really it? “It was okay, I did a few errands.”

Hearing this her brow furrowed a bit, looking into his eyes as he stared at her. “You did errands, what errands? Didn’t you have an audition?”

“Yeah, look can we talk?” He asks as he nervously fidgets, gesturing for them to sit down on the couch. If there’s something that can be said about Adam is that he’s as subtle as a hammer. 

Sitting on the coffee table in front of her, he nervously passes a hand through his hair, trying to find a way to get what he needed to say out. Jessa looked at him curiously, waiting for him to talk but finding herself growing impatient as the seconds passed.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” She urges calmly.

Adam’s forehead wrinkled in concentration, both of his hands pressed against his face as his fingers covered his eyes. “This isn’t something that I wanna have to tell you. I know this isn’t fair to you, especially after the whole thing with Hannah.”

“I’ve been doing some introspection, or whatever, and um...I’ve been going to meetings…”

“You’ve been going to meetings?” She interrupted, concern etched on her her face as her brows lifted before furrowing in thought.

“Yeah.”

“Well. Have you been drinking?”

“No!” He answered urgently. “I just…” Adam’s lips tense into an outstretched line for a brief moment while he finds a way to verbalize his thoughts. 

“I’ve been going to meetings and taking time to think….And…” A few seconds pass. “Fuck” he whispered under his breath in a sigh. “And I’ve come to the conclusion that I; that WE..need time apart.” His eyes searched hers for any indication of understanding or sympathy, but they found nothing. Her gaze was blank as she was deep in thought as he spoke. “ Look, this has nothing to do with Hannah. Whatever she and I had. It’s over, it’s finished.” His baritone voice is soft and calm as he tries to sound as serious as possible. In his mind he is an adult trying to have a serious conversation with his partner. Gone is the lovable boyish demeanor he usually carried; replaced with a grim faced man as he leans over to look at her. His elbows rest on his knees and clasps his hands together, giving away his anxiety. 

“I never told you how sorry I am for that...and I hurt you. It’s just that, I don’t know if it was filming the movie or if it was just life in fuckin’ general, but I was reminded of what Hannah and I had. I felt it, so I felt that there was too much history there to not try and set things right. To help her, and be there for her.” The sound of his voice reverberated through the small apartment as he looked at the floor. “ But we’re too different now and want different things. And...Now I feel like I need some space to figure shit out alone. Not just for me, because I really do care about you, Jessa.”

Jessa looks at the ground in silence, not wanting to look at him in the eyes and see her worst nightmare. 

“I’m gonna be moving out, take the time to focus on my life. You can stay here, keep most of the stuff. I’ll still pay for your classes. I meant what I said.”

Jessa nods slowly, pursing her lips while processing his words. 

“Okay...if that’s how you feel.” Her tone is a bit above a whisper, feigning understanding in her short words. She shrugs her shoulders and crosses her legs on the couch with a nonchalant expression. Like everything else, nothing fazes her.

Adam scoffs at her response, unable to believe how she can be so calm while he was essentially breaking up with her. No, he saw what this was. “ Oh, come the fuck on Jessa, this is just like last time. Do you seriously not give a fuck? I know you feel something. Get angry; hit me, throw something at me. For fuck’s sake, it isn’t good to bottle everything in...Just tell me how you feel.”

A deep sigh went through her nose, her eyes showed that something was beneath the surface as she shakes her head slightly and looks at him. “What do you want me to say? You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re communicating; and if this is how you feel, then there’s no point in fighting against it.”

 _‘Un-fucking-believable._ ’ Adam moves his left hand towards his cheek, lightly scratching at the hairs in his stubble. “That doesn’t mean that you’re not feeling anything; that your feelings aren’t valid.” He lets out a breath of frustration as he realizes that she put up her walls to him and she won’t budge. _‘The hitting and screaming would’ve been better.’_ “Fine.”

Keeping with her attitude, Jessa clicks her tongue and leans back lazily before asking the dreaded question. “So when do you move out.” 

“I was thinking about leaving today.”

“Oh...so you have a place to stay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. My stuff’s mostly packed, and I’ll come back for the rest later...But I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“Adam, stop worrying! You’ve done nothing wrong. If you feel you have to do this; you gotta do what you gotta do.” A sardonic smile graces her face. She makes everything sound so simple; black and white.

He gently grabs her tattooed wrist in his large hand and looks deeply into her green eyes, trying to find a way to get through to her, to really talk to her.

“Hey..I still care about you. okay?” He told her gently, almost as if she were a child.

“Yeah.” Her response was short and curt.

Her walls remain up; impenetrable in their might as she refuses to show him, to show the world an ounce of vulnerability. A defense mechanism that took years in perfecting. An aloof facade she shows the world.

Jessa moves to get up, leaving him alone. Adam’s well aware that this was just a front, Jessa hasn’t changed,. He couldn’t tell how bad it was, but he’s doing this for her too. He knew it’d be worse if he stayed.

No other words were said as she sat crossed legged in their bed, smoking a cigarette while he finished packing. In the back of her mind she wonders if this is what being in a relationship is really like; being off and on, having that person come in and out of your life….It’s what her father did. ‘ _No’_ She knows that’s not true. She’s seen people get married, have families and be happy. And besides, Adam’s not remotely like her father, he’s not like the previous men in her life. He’s different.

She moves to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass or orange juice, pretending that nothing is wrong, desperately trying to ignore his presence. She found it unbearable to watch as he left her for a second time. This time she’s more aware of her feelings for him, and she dreads what will become of them, of her while watching Adam go in and out of the apartment; getting his things downstairs.

He tried to be as quick as possible; throwing this mindlessly into garbage bags, making sure he took only what was important to him.

The hardest part about breaking up is trying to leave and stay on good terms. And he’s attempting to do just that. He figured that if he could do it with Hannah, maybe it was possible with Jessa.

Adam reached into his pocket and fished out his keys, he placed them on the counter beside the sink.

“You take care of yourself, okay?” He said awkwardly, looking at her one last time. His mouth is etched in a pout and his eyes are sullen at her lack of reply, but he still waits a few seconds for her, almost as if he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t even look at him as he made his way out of the apartment. 

Closing the door behind him, Adam takes a moment to just stand there, his mouth still set in a pout, his brows furrowed as he feels the weight of what’s happened.

Both lovers stand on either side of the closed door, each hoping that the other would take a step forward to open the door; to go back to the other, but neither one does. Adam stays there, feeling the guilt over what he’s done slowly spread; lamenting not just the loss of his lover, but the loss of his best friend.

_‘It had to be done. There’s no point in staying anymore.’_

———————-

Inside of the apartment, Jessa just stood there, staring at the door; willing him to come back to her. Her face morphs from boredom to one of pure heartbreak. Her eyes start to water as her breathing changes to an erratic pace.

In the cold emptiness surrounding her, she couldn’t pretend anymore. Her mask vanishes, revealing the abandoned girl underneath, watching as her friend walked out of their home and her life.

This time she can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt; can’t deny the devastation she feels as her world blurs. She places the palm of her hands over her eyes as the tears overflow. 

_‘He’s done this before, and he came back; he’ll do it again.’_ She reasons in her desperation, clinging to the idea that Adam will be back, that this is just a pattern. Because the alternative would be to accept that he left her for good.

 _‘Fucking Hannah!’_ As she cries her thoughts become more chaotic. _‘Don’t go. Don’t do this to me.’_ Her inner voice cries as she slides slowly towards the floor, bringing her knees towards her chest.

 _‘This is just how he is.’_ She reasoned, still expecting him to come back, her mind repeating his last words over and over. He did say he cared about her, he still loved her; but as she continued to reason his return, a small part of her feared she was just clinging to an empty promise, that she was stupidly holding on to hope...and that he really did leave her.

The silence inside the apartment is maddening, the space is cold; isolated from the world filled only with her small cries.

——————

He should be used to moving, considering how often he did in the past eight years, but no, it was always a bitch. And the worst part about it? Doing it because of a break up. To say that it was awkward was an understatement, but he needed to end things well off with Jessa. God knows he’s ran into people from his past before enough times to know better. New York may be populated by millions of people, but it can turn into a very small place, when Karma feels like it. It’d be worse if he didn’t do it this way, he’s sure of it. 

After getting the last of his things upstairs, he starts unpacking bit by bit. He doesn’t have a refrigerator yet, or a bed for that matter; those come in tomorrow, but Adam has been through worse, and one day without furniture hardly phases him. That being said sleeping on the floor isn’t something he’s looking forward to. Plus, this is what friends are for isn’t it? ...to crash on their couch when needed?

Adam takes his phone out, scrolling through the few contacts saved in it. He could ask Ray; it wouldn’t be the first time he’d stay at his place, especially after a breakup. He could also ask Josh, he had offered his couch to let him crash before; maybe the offer’s still on the table. 

_‘Screw it.’_

He hits on Josh’s contact and places the device next to his ear, waiting for a response on the other side of the line.

“Hey.” Josh’s deep voice sounds through the phone’s speaker.

“ Heeeey...listen, I got a favor to ask, if it’s not too much trouble, or whatever.” Adam started nervously, scratching his head as he talked.

“Yeah, man. Shoot.”

“I broke up with Jessa.” He blurted out. “I moved out.”

There was a slight silence on the line before Josh responded. “Well, shit. Do you need a place to stay? Until you find something?”

“I already got a place. I just need a place to crash until I can get the bed and fridge brought in here.”

“ Well you’re in luck, then. I’m actually on my way back from work. I gotta stop to pick up a few things and then I’m headed home.” Josh explained in his easy-going tone; like nothing bothers him at the moment. “ I’ll let Vanessa know; she’s coming over tonight.”

Adam hesitated “ I don’t wanna shit on your plans.” 

“ Oh, fuck off. You’re not. Dude, trust me, Ness loves you. She’d be pissed if I **didn’t** help out. My sofa es su casa.”

Even though Josh can’t see him, Adam smiles at his friend’s words; his teeth peeking out from his lips and the corners of his eyes wrinkle as he does so. “ Yeah, okay. Just let me know when you’re at home. Text me or whatever.”

“You got it. Tonight we’re eating homemade Mexican food.”

“Yeah, Thanks.”

“Alright, see ya.”

With that, Adam hung up, comforted in the knowledge that he’ll be able to sleep in a comfortable, and most importantly cushioned, tonight. At least now he had a place to call his, and by pure stroke of luck, the apartment’s rent wasn’t as high as it could be. He’ll furnish it, little by little. He lives in New York, so someone’s bound to not want a couch somewhere. That leaves the matter of his kitchen. He’d have to buy glasses, plates and food, to at least have the very basics.

_‘A bookshelf in the living room. I’ll put my bench in the bedroom...clothes go in the closet, I gotta get a chest or something with drawers..’_

He turns to pick up the trash bags storing his clothes, taking them through the small hallway towards his bedroom closet. He’d have to do laundry before the end of the week, he reminded himself as he realized that he was in such a rush to pack everything that he didn’t think that some of his shirts in the bag used to be strewn across the floor of the apartment and stank of sweat. 

He spent the next few hours doing what he can, organizing his clothes between what’s clean and what was to be laundered, he took his time to make sure everything was arranged to his liking; a far cry from how he was living 8 years ago. Back when he was an aimless mess living in an apartment cluttered with tools and random pieces of reclaimed wood; when he would rather fuck around with no strings attached than be emotionally vulnerable with someone.

To Adam, it seemed like a lifetime ago. Gone was the aloof fuckboy with an awkward haircut and no direction. Now in his place stands a more empathetic and responsible man. 

His thoughts were interrupted as he heard his phone come to life, sounding an alert to let him know he had just received a text and prompting him to look for it. Reaching for his back pocket, he fishes out his phone to see a message from Josh came in saying _‘Just got in.’_ on the lit up screen. He’d finish unpacking later; now he was hungry, and Mexican seemed like just the thing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I’m baaaaack!!!! :D 
> 
> 2020 has been a hell of a year, but I still wanted to end it on a good note. So here we have a short but sweet chapter where Adam wants to leave Jessa to focus on himself, but he knows how fragile and lonely she can be and tries to do it gently....Does it work? We'll have to find out. Safe to say, Jessa will be a reoccurring guest star on this show, so we'llsee how Adam handles this and how he manages to move on.
> 
> As always Kudos as greatly appreciated and your comments are a warm hug to my soul, so let me know what y’all think.
> 
> Mucho Love and and a happy New year!!  
> Xoxo Selene R


End file.
